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don't tell me something i already know..

I have a million and one things to do today. seriously, i�m not exaggerating. Yet I also have a serious case of the Mondays. Very hard to get motivated this morning despite the extra-large coffee by my side. Probably has something to do with the fact that i worked yesterday.

Blah blah blah blah.

The weekend was sort of a blur. GB and I walking on eggshells and cracking quite a few in the process. A trip to the Legion of Honor which was fun though frankly I could have saved the extra two bucks I spent to see the Homer Winslow exhibit. Sorry, but two rooms� worth of fish paintings (oil, watercolor) and sketches did not excite me much....

And then of course, work on Sunday followed by a tepid viewing of The Golden Globe awards...yawn....Meryl Streep reminded me of my grandmother...that seemed very odd...

I�m not exactly sure why the spouse and I are fighting so much these days...it feels like a regression. I mean, I have ideas about why we are fighting. I have an understanding of some of our issues...I�m just not exactly sure why now - after 18 months of weathering equally difficult times - we are suddenly succumbing to petty fights and trivial arguments.

Just a side note ... when you click on a banner for �Top 100 Sites at Diaryland� you get directed to a page featuring tit$ and a$$...not a good thing when you�re sitting at your work computer which is WAYYYYY out in the open and visible for anyone to see.

Another fine Monday indeed....

So, Friday I had to pay a visit to school to check-in for the next semester (which starts this Wednesday). It was a very lovely day - bright, bright sun and crisp, but not-too-cold air. The campus lawns had just been mowed and smell of freshly-cut grass made it feel like spring.

As I drove onto campus, parked my car and started walking around I felt very exhilarated. Happy and grateful to be there - especially happy that this marked the start of my second semester and instead of being terrified to the point of tears - as I was at the start of the last semester - I felt only partially terrified and thus, much more confident and ready to jump in.

And then I had one of those soul-shaking moments that makes you just want to run and scream or hide away forever.

I was walking out of the building where you go to check in and as I headed toward the sidewalk I noticed a line of suitcases sitting on the curb. About 10 bags and cases neatly lined up - the sign of an entering student getting ready to move into her dorm and start another phase of her life.

For a brief second I found myself smiling - a really really big smile - enjoying the glimpse into someone�s shift into the semester. And then in the next second I found myself literally choking back tears as they exploded in my chest and tried to fight their way up and out of my body.

In that split second of time I suddenly felt very very lost and very very old and very much past a lifetime of new beginnings. I felt like, here I am at age 33 and there are so many things I will never be able to do because I�m beyond the age of doing certain things..... I know it sounds melodramatic but I felt like Meryl Streep in Adaptation when she cries �I want to be new again...�

I want to be new again...I want no obligations, no debts, no things I MUST do. I want nothing but expectations and a bright yet blank future that�s ripe for the living.

I want to know everything I know NOW and go back and do things over and not make all the stupid mistakes and missteps that I made the first time around.

All this from the girl who claims to never have regrets...

Regret is an insidious monster, I�ve found, living deep within my cells - dormant yet breeding - just waiting for the right moments to rear its melancholy little head....

12:04 pm - 01.20.03

sounds: Pretty Girl$ Make GraveS
words:
i am: suffering from a case of the Mondays...

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previously on ... - next time on ...

money can't buy happiness but it does buy small pieces of of serenity - 15.07.12 - 4:29 pm

sh)t's about to get real, y'all - 31.05.12 - 9:46 am

why the hell not? - 29.04.12 - 8:38 pm

Hear that lonesome whistle blow... - 02.04.12 - 5:18 pm

a faith in something I can't see - 30.03.12 - 3:33 pm

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