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On this, the longest night of the year ...

Received a holiday card from my stepdad today. Enclosed was a $100 check for my birthday. The sight of it made me burst into tears. Of course everything makes me teary these days, but still.

In the 19 birthdays that I remember my biological mother being a part of, each one was marked by a card and a check that included money for Christmas and my birthday. Each birthday was also observed with a phone call at some point in the afternoon. Except for one birthday 11 years ago when she didn't call.

When she hadn't called by the end of the night, I knew something was wrong. And it was, my biological grandmother--with whom I shared a birthday and whom I'd never met--had had an accident. She died a week or so later.

In any case, that's another story--another history. But this week as my birthday has approached I've felt a creeping sadness with the realization that P. will not call me on my birthday this year. Nor will she call me the day after. Or ever again, of course. She's just gone.

But there is my stepfather, with all of his roughhewn love and grace, sending me a holiday card and a check and a note of love and it's enough to light the way through this, the longest night of the year.

Happy Winter Solstice, everyone.

7:46 pm - 21.12.15

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a good problem to have, right? - 16.02.16 - 2:59 pm

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