| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- it's also true I lost the map Am in dire need of a road trip but real life is my real-life blockade. A giant detour in the "what are you going to do with your life" game of everything. A friend of mine here at work just gave notice so that she could concentrate on her side business--and also be closer to her kids, the 50-mile round trip commute was understandably getting to her. "If not now, when?" she said to me. I don't have the commute (though the cats would surely like me to be closer to home) but I do have this nagging sense of "is this it?" Since not getting university job (again, I mean seriously) I've been feeling restless. Then again feeling restless seems to be a personality trait for me, not just occasional twinge of anxiety. The most obvious answer is to find time to write. I have actually scheduled it on the calendar (is that sad? shut up I don't know want to know) and I'm trying to pep talk myself into figuring out a way to get daily writing in. Suggestions welcome. Last night I had this awful dream that my Aunt L (my father's sister and the one who tracked down BioMom when I wanted to meet her) accused me of only caring about both BioMom and my father "because of the money." I'm not sure where that came from and it was an overall weird and horrible dream that took place in the some surreal Saharan desert wherein J & BioMom were driving around in a jeep and I got out at a stop and left my phone behind and then got lost. And suddenly I was in a hotel where I reunited with a long-lost cousin and felt this odd wave of joy at finding another connection to this life that BioMom had cut me off from. All of it is just so fucking weird. And I just want to get in a car and drive. Fast and slow. I want windows open and tunes played loud enough to be heard above the rushing wind. I want desolate gas stops and weird souvenir stands and kitschy tourist stops. I want awful and greasy truckstop grilled cheese sandwiches and scalding hot coffee. I want that ever-drifting sense of 'you're not from around here, are you?' Pedal to the metal. 9:52 am - 17.09.15
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The anxious and the surreal - 22.09.15 - 3:43 pm Why do we call this place home? - 21.09.15 - 2:34 pm a shell - 18.09.15 - 12:43 pm Another thing to wonder - 17.09.15 - 1:12 pm Please, go gently into that good night - 17.09.15 - 11:39 am |
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