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i am a rock bottom riser

yes, still here...life is just so ... up and down...i've been thinking about starting up therapy again...did i mention this before? can't remember and don't have the energy to go back and look...
sometimes i'm happy, giddy...sometimes down and blue....yes, i knos that's normal...but the gaps between seem to be bigger and deeper...
last night at the show i talked to r*sty..he was the first person i really flirted with after breaking up with The Ex.
That was nearly 9 years ago (oh my god...really....) and i still remember the night. It was at a show at the club - this was before I was even really friends with K. I went to the show alone (don't remember who was playing, sorry but that'd be too movie perfect of a remembrance). I never go to shows alone anymore. Who was that brave girl?
I was standing at what is still my favorite part of the club - the divider between the bar and the stage room. I was standing, leaning, watching and listening. And here comes this cute guy that I recognized from that one Americana band. Tall and skinny with messy bedhead, sweet, smart eyes and a gleaming smile.
We'd both had a couple of drinks which meant I was chattier than usual and we struck up a conversation about nothing. Or, more precisely, potatoes.
It was silly and giddy and driven by gin and tonics (me) and beer (him). We talked about our love of baked potatoes.
Sexy, I know.
Later, at the end of the night, he asked me over to his place for a drink.
And, fresh from the break-up, I declined.
And that was that. I harbored a serious crush for a while but over the months and years and other relationships, we became friends and after awhile I doubted he even remembered that first goofy conversation. He never gave any indication that he did or that he'd once made something of a pass at me. These days we mostly talk about books and music and writing and what we once wanted to do and how we're both getting older and feeling the effects of life moving on with or without us.
.
.
.
And then last night I was sitting there at the bar, talking to the girl singer in GB's band and he came and stood behind me to talk to her and rested one hand on my shoulder and the other on the small of my back. Instinctively, I reached up and touched the hand on my shoulder and gently squeezed his fingers before letting go and picking up my drink once more. He left his hands there and started to squeeze my shoulders and then rub my back.
The drinks and music always make us all touchy-feely down there at the bar but I know my face turned flush and I couldn't turn to look at him.
Do you know how many times I've regretted not going home with him that night? I'm not a one-night stand kind of girl (which is not to say that I haven't had them, but that's not the point here). At all. And I'm married now and glad to be so....but I've often wondered what it would have been like and what it would or wouldn't have evolved into.

After a few minutes of this physical contact, I reached up and touched his hand again and he wrapped his fingers around mine, gave them a gentle squeeze and then let go and said goodbye to J. & I.

And I thought that was that.

But later that night, he ended up at my bar stool again, this time to join GB & I in a conversation. And when GB took off to grab his gear and load out, R*sty reached in to give me a hug and say goodbye. He whispered something about me going home with a great guy (he loves GB - who doesn't???) and then as we broke apart he smiled.

Wasn't there something about potatoes? he asked, looking me dead in the eye.

Baked potatoes I said.

You didn't like them, right?

No, I love them - I think that's what it was about. Mutual hot potato love.

He smiled, I smiled (and blushed) and said, see you around, gratified that at least he remembered and that, maybe also, sometimes wondered about the what-might-have-beens.

And, of course, I went home with a great guy. But that's another story and one much deeper and more complex and still in the process of being figured out. Marriage is a strange and furious beast sometimes, you know?

1:15 pm - 02.12.05

sounds: smog
words:
i am: thinking about things passed (past)

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