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yes, no, yes, no .. maybe

I love class! I hate class! Yes, it's true I'm schizo-crazy as usual. I love class discussions. Usually. I cringe when I have to read. I shake. I have to breathe deeply.
This week my exercise got a mixed result. I think M, the professor, liked it somewhat. She had some comments about having to be careful to know when to restrain but she also said some other things that sounded vaguely positive.
And why should that even matter or, rather, why should I not be able to get negative, er I mean constuctive criticism and still feel good about the class?
During my thesis meeting with VDW he asked how I was doing, if I felt connected to the school this semester. I was honest and told him, no not really. Certain moments in class, yes. Moments when I'm writing, yes. But in general? Not so much.
He seemed bemused by this.
He also said there was no "there" there in the novel portion of my thesis. It's frustrating but it's also what he's supposed to be doing (i.e. pushing me) so now I'm faced with writing a huge new chunk just for kicks, to see where it takes me...hopefully it will not take me straight to insane as I need to give him 20 pages in two weeks. But, on the plus side, he thinks one story (except for the title which, in his humble opinion, "blows") is ready to published and recommended Z0etrope's 0ne-Story. This idea boggles my mind for two reasons: 1) Wow, is it really good enough to be published? 2) Oh my god, what if this is the only one good thing I ever do?

I told this to K. on the phone last night as I raced 75mph home on the freeway. I told her, frustrated, What if I'm not really a writer? What if all of this is pointless? What if that one story is just a fluke?

And she, being the good best friend that she is, scolded me and told me clear those thoughts from my head, to crush the critical little voice that bickers, snickers and disheartens me.

She's right of course, if only it were so easy to just shut out that little critical voice

Anyway...on to weekend distractions. Our new iMac has arrived so hopefully we'll be able to set it up with no problem. Actually I know the computer will be a snap to set up - it's the whole wireless thing that might be tricky. And tomorrow, a haircut and then a jaunt to the city for shopping and good food. Sunday, back to the school grind. Actually, if I'm going to be honest with you it will be the first real school grind of the season. I admit I've been a bit lax but the meeting with VDW both intimidated and inspired me...and that, I suppose, is a good thing.

P.S. Because I had class last night, I haven't seen the actual debates yet - we taped them - but I did catch the Dai1y Show coverage and ...wow...can't wait to watch them...

1:14 pm - 10.01.04

sounds: N1ck Drake
words:
i am: flip-flopping

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