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the candle is just ashes now

I suppose we don't get an autumn this year. It's sunny and warm and projected to stay that way through the first week in November. Of course I'm disappointed. Summer is a guest who's long overstayed her welcome. I need flannel and cozy socks and crisp leaves and overcast days. I need a shift of some sort.

On that note, it looks like the paper has finally found a new editor. He's coming over from the Big Daily and although the editorial staff thinks he's a bit of a square (literally their words) he also obviously knows his shit and seems to have a mission that's aligned with theirs/ours.

I think I'll be there through the end of November and after that I don't know what. D, the co-publisher, says she'd like me to stay on in some capacity to help with arts coverage and special issues but it's up to him and will also depend on the budget.

I'd love to keep making the extra money--this second job came at the best possible time--but I'm trying to lean into whatever happens. I've been stressed about money lately--it doesn't help that I just bought a new car but my old one was 16 years old and I really did need something less janky--and more reliable.

In any case I keep telling myself if this doesn't work out beyond November I can still freelance for them and, more importantly, focus on freelancing for other outlets. I need to think bigger picture. I need to ignore my fear of change and think about possibilities.

But fear is a powerful drug, isn't it? Fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of everything.

Whatever happens it's good that they found a solution. As much as I've loved being back in the newsroom it's clear I can't sustain this--and it's not the best option for the paper. I'd say I'm burning the candle at both ends but truth is the candle is just a pile of ashes now.

I need a break, I need to focus on my primary job, I need to remember what it's like to have free time and space to be recharge and be creative.

Onward.

4:33 pm - 26.10.18

sounds:
words:
i am:

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previously on ... - next time on ...

thankful - 22.11.18 - 2:03 pm

lonely is an eyesore - 21.11.18 - 10:46 am

smoke day - 15.11.18 - 10:25 am

merry-go-round without the merry - 10.11.18 - 3:41 pm

so, so tired - 07.11.18 - 10:27 am

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