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love, loss and 20 years

Today, with a tiny jolt of surprise, I realized I've been estranged from my father for nearly 20 years. Our last conversation happened sometime in late July or early August of 1999--just weeks before C. and I got married. He told me he loved me but couldn't attend the wedding because my mother would be there.

I was upset but told him I loved him too. I was upset and sad but also used to his bullshit and trying to focus on the wedding. Looking back I wish I'd told him to righteously fuck off because, really, the outcome would have been the same.

For years after I tried. I sent him wedding pictures and mailed him letters. I left him voicemails.

Nothing. For reasons I'll never completely understand, he 100 percent ghosted me.

My aunt has given me various reasons over the years. None of them make any sense. If I think about it for too long it's upsetting and sad.

Mostly I try not to think of it at all. But sometimes something sparks a memory and, then, the realization of how much time has passed.

For a while he was on Facebook so I'd take to his page to sneak a look. He's ghosted that, too, as of late.

Anyway. The better takeaway here is that we've been married nearly 20 years and have lived to tell the tale.

8:45 pm - 06.02.19

sounds:
words:
i am:

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previously on ... - next time on ...

settling into a routine - 25.03.19 - 10:06 am

i'm never smart about these things - 06.03.19 - 7:56 pm

long story short - 05.03.19 - 9:01 pm

prepare for the worst - 24.02.19 - 2:05 pm

fucking devastated - 19.02.19 - 7:13 pm

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