don't tell me something i already know..

I have a million and one things to do today. seriously, iím not exaggerating. Yet I also have a serious case of the Mondays. Very hard to get motivated this morning despite the extra-large coffee by my side. Probably has something to do with the fact that i worked yesterday.

Blah blah blah blah.

The weekend was sort of a blur. GB and I walking on eggshells and cracking quite a few in the process. A trip to the Legion of Honor which was fun though frankly I could have saved the extra two bucks I spent to see the Homer Winslow exhibit. Sorry, but two roomsí worth of fish paintings (oil, watercolor) and sketches did not excite me much....

And then of course, work on Sunday followed by a tepid viewing of The Golden Globe awards...yawn....Meryl Streep reminded me of my grandmother...that seemed very odd...

Iím not exactly sure why the spouse and I are fighting so much these days...it feels like a regression. I mean, I have ideas about why we are fighting. I have an understanding of some of our issues...Iím just not exactly sure why now - after 18 months of weathering equally difficult times - we are suddenly succumbing to petty fights and trivial arguments.

Just a side note ... when you click on a banner for ďTop 100 Sites at DiarylandĒ you get directed to a page featuring tit$ and a$$...not a good thing when youíre sitting at your work computer which is WAYYYYY out in the open and visible for anyone to see.

Another fine Monday indeed....

So, Friday I had to pay a visit to school to check-in for the next semester (which starts this Wednesday). It was a very lovely day - bright, bright sun and crisp, but not-too-cold air. The campus lawns had just been mowed and smell of freshly-cut grass made it feel like spring.

As I drove onto campus, parked my car and started walking around I felt very exhilarated. Happy and grateful to be there - especially happy that this marked the start of my second semester and instead of being terrified to the point of tears - as I was at the start of the last semester - I felt only partially terrified and thus, much more confident and ready to jump in.

And then I had one of those soul-shaking moments that makes you just want to run and scream or hide away forever.

I was walking out of the building where you go to check in and as I headed toward the sidewalk I noticed a line of suitcases sitting on the curb. About 10 bags and cases neatly lined up - the sign of an entering student getting ready to move into her dorm and start another phase of her life.

For a brief second I found myself smiling - a really really big smile - enjoying the glimpse into someoneís shift into the semester. And then in the next second I found myself literally choking back tears as they exploded in my chest and tried to fight their way up and out of my body.

In that split second of time I suddenly felt very very lost and very very old and very much past a lifetime of new beginnings. I felt like, here I am at age 33 and there are so many things I will never be able to do because Iím beyond the age of doing certain things..... I know it sounds melodramatic but I felt like Meryl Streep in Adaptation when she cries ďI want to be new again...Ē

I want to be new again...I want no obligations, no debts, no things I MUST do. I want nothing but expectations and a bright yet blank future thatís ripe for the living.

I want to know everything I know NOW and go back and do things over and not make all the stupid mistakes and missteps that I made the first time around.

All this from the girl who claims to never have regrets...

Regret is an insidious monster, Iíve found, living deep within my cells - dormant yet breeding - just waiting for the right moments to rear its melancholy little head....

12:04 pm - 01.20.03

sounds: Pretty Girl$ Make GraveS
i am: suffering from a case of the Mondays...


previously on ... - next time on ...

money can't buy happiness but it does buy small pieces of of serenity - 15.07.12 - 4:29 pm

sh)t's about to get real, y'all - 31.05.12 - 9:46 am

why the hell not? - 29.04.12 - 8:38 pm

Hear that lonesome whistle blow... - 02.04.12 - 5:18 pm

a faith in something I can't see - 30.03.12 - 3:33 pm

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