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always in my head space

Sitting in a coffee shop and I should be working, but I need a little breathing room, a moment to decompress.

Everything has been so busy and chaotic this semester --much busier than I expected in the teaching / department chair realm, but I feel as though I say this every semester.

I am still enjoying the MFA program but if I am being honest I am 100 percent questioning my skills as a writer, my ability to pull off writing a memoir that anyone would fucking care about, much less like. The self-doubt demons are fucking real.

Going through old messages found one I sent my father via Facebook about seven years ago. I reached out to see if he could help us with a down payment for a house (which now that I think about it, was very ballsy) but I also told him I wished we could make amends for whatever it was that caused him to stop talking to me.


I've spent much of that time wondering what exactly happened to make you no longer want to talk to me. I've thought, a lot, about what I could have done differently. I've tried to reconcile myself to the fact that in the first few years after the last time we spoke, I did try to reach out to you, I did ask you if we could start over.

I'm not sure if any of that matters anymore.

I do want you to know, however, that I was never angry with you and I'm sorry if I ever gave you any indication otherwise.


It's now been 23 years since we've spoken. He never responded to my message but I could tell that he read it.

Anyway.

In other family issues, there's been a lot of chaos on C's side with his mother and sister.

The super reader's digest version is that we thought his sister was being really good to his mother--even as she drives us crazy for other reasons and we reallllllllllly don't like her husband.

Welp, his mother finally came clean. His sister is emotionally controlling and abusive and once, during an argument, shoved his mother from behind, causing her to fall. She's 70-fucking-something.

His mother, after another fight with J., decided she wanted to cut her out of her life. This has involved us changing the locks on her apartment, buying her a new phone with a new number, etc. C. had to text J. to let her know. She denied everything and claimed that it was his mother who jumped on her. She's 70-fucking-something with severe arthritis among other issues.

Oh, and we've learned from his niece about how J.'s husband actually physically and mentally abused the kids (his step-kids).

It's been exhausting but my MIL is now doing much better, going to counseling for co-dependency issues and generally just taking care of herself.

Truly cannot wait for this semester to be over (both of them). Would like to crash into the couch and not get up for about a week.

1:44 pm - 27.04.22

sounds:
words:
i am:

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previously on ... - next time on ...

dear dad - 28.09.22 - 8:21 pm

always in my head space - 27.04.22 - 1:44 pm

shut up and write - 02.02.22 - 5:28 pm

consolation prizes - 22.12.21 - 7:27 pm

forever if i could - 16.12.21 - 8:50 pm

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