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like a boomerang, I keep coming back to this

Last night we went to dinner � Indian food � to celebrate GB�s new job. Afterwards I bought us ice cream at the neighborhood ice cream parlor (the one where they apparently only hire cute, polite teenage boys to work behind the counter).

He�s really excited about the job. It pays pretty well. Less than what he was making at the Fucked Company � but more than I�m making (sigh). It�s doing what he likes to do � the job is similar to what he did at the Fucked Company. And, best of all, he gets to work with / share an office with one of his best friends.

He�s also getting excited about the tour and the rest of the Band is super-happy that he�s going to do all the dates � not just the opening and closing ones.

I am just so glad things seem to be falling into place for him�it�s been a long seven months. Part of me can�t even remember a time when he worked at the Fucked Company. Does that make sense? I think back to events that happened last year � Sept. 11, birthdays, trips, etc � and I think �was he working then? Yeah I guess he was�. It�s like this has become the routine and now we will have to get used to a new routine.

Not that that�s a bad thing.

I could use a little shaking up myself.

I�m definitely in some sort of funk.

A what-am-I-doing-with-my-life, where-am-I-going, what-SHOULD-I-do, sort of thing. I also have not been sleeping well at all...and I think it's really catching up with me.

Monday night K. and I went to dinner and talked about how we're both having this midlife crisis of sorts. I�ve come to the realization that I really want to be my own boss. I�m not sure yet in what capacity. But I think ideally I�d like to work part-time from home and then teach part-time at a local college. I think that would offer me the most flexibility and stability (as opposed to just working from home).

But how to get from here to there?

Well, I guess that�s what I�m going to school for � but I really am freaking out about it. I don�t know if I�m on the right path. My friend and longtime mentor RV seems to think I am. But for some reason I keep feeling sick to my stomach whenever I think about starting school. Maybe it�s just nerves � maybe it�s a sense of something not being right.

I�ve vowed to try it at least for one semester and see how it goes. But in the back of my head I�m already formulating a Plan B � applying to grad school at Berkeley. I know someone who works on the grad school committee for the dept. I would apply to � and I think she could give me a lot of tips and advice. In fact she�s already told me she thinks I should apply for the program.

So yes�Plan B.

I like having a Plan B.

Oh, back to the original narrative�after dinner K and I went to Trader Joe�s so I could get some stuff. Then, on the way home, we drove back on the freeway that skirts the city. Wilco�s �Jesus Etc.� was playing and the skyscrapers were lighting up the sky with their bright, beautiful lights. We were laughing and singing along and for one brief moment, everything felt right in the world.

Then I got home and had a meltdown � both literally and figuratively. First of all it was deathly hot and at 9:30p.m. it was still 80 or so degrees � the kind of sticky, cloying heat that makes you irritable. Well, at least it makes me irritable.

GB and I went for a walk and talked and somehow the conversation turned to my worries and anxieties and freak-outs and we got into a fight and then the fight dissolved into tears and me telling him just how freaked out I am and how lately my job has been frustrating me and how I just want to make sure that I get to where I want to go.

You can�t plan out your entire life he told me, echoing words I�ve said to him on many occasions.

OK, but can I at least have a Plan B?

I�m sorry this entry is so jumpy � all over the place � to anyone still reading at this point, I apologize � it�s just how my brain is functioning these days.

I really can�t wait until July 22 when I get to start my week-at-home-vacation.

I really really really need it.

12:23 pm - 07.03.02

sounds: the Hives
words: ALMOST done with �White Teeth� � really
i am: tired

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previously on ... - next time on ...

money can't buy happiness but it does buy small pieces of of serenity - 15.07.12 - 4:29 pm

sh)t's about to get real, y'all - 31.05.12 - 9:46 am

why the hell not? - 29.04.12 - 8:38 pm

Hear that lonesome whistle blow... - 02.04.12 - 5:18 pm

a faith in something I can't see - 30.03.12 - 3:33 pm

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