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build a little kindness in your bones

2019 remains a tough year. My brother S. called me Monday to let me know he and his wife are having some serious difficulties. The word 'divorce' has been said. He didn't go into all the specifics but we talked for a long time about how marriage is hard work. He told me the ball was in her court, I told him if he wanted it to work out that it didn't matter in whose court the ball bounced, he had to make it clear that he loves her and he'll do whatever it takes.

It just breaks my heart and I hope they can find a way. I like her a lot. I wanted to reach out to her without being intrusive so I texted her yesterday to check to see how my niece was doing after a bad spider bite she got last week. Almost immediately after I texted C had my niece on Facetime and we had the most fun conversation about cats and rainbows. At one point she asked me if I missed my mom, Gran B, and if I was sad.

"I'm very sad," I told her. "I think about her every day."

"Me too," my niece said as she continued to draw.

Everything's just been such a roller coaster I hope S and C can find some quiet space to work this through but if they don't I'll still love C and, of course, my brother.

"I've failed at a lot of things," he told me. "And it's hard with Mom gone because she's the one I would talk to for advice. You're the closest I have to her now.

He also talked to our other brother and our cousin and I'm glad--because it really does take three of us to make up even a sliver of my mother's wisdom.

A, my youngest brother, is also having problems. Behavioral problems with his oldest kid, some arguments over that with his wife. He's starting therapy. We sat in my mom's house yesterday, both of us there to water the lawn and deal with some real estate stuff, and talked about how everything is different now, difficult to navigate in ways we didn't expect.

I just want peace and a chance to breathe. I just want 2019 to build some kindness into its bones.

P.S. Thank you for the words of encouragement.

RANDOMLY, I hit the "random entry" link and it's suddenly working again and it brought me to this very, very, very old entry in which we run into my mother in the wild, aid a couple of teenagers in getting to prom and hang out with friends. it feels like 10 million years ago.

8:40 pm - 19.06.19

sounds:
words:
i am:

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previously on ... - next time on ...

put the key in the lock and turn .... - 09.07.19 - 8:08 pm

riptide - 27.06.19 - 10:30 am

build a little kindness in your bones - 19.06.19 - 8:40 pm

tiny failures every day, redux - 17.06.19 - 11:14 am

mourning the loss of her house - 30.05.19 - 8:39 pm

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