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I spent nearly my entire weekend crying like a baby...it started out as sad, depressed crying and ended up happy/sad/nostalgic crying, a much better type of crying if you ask me. This weekend was TRNYC's (aka, T. & RO from NYC) Monterey wedding and for reasons I could not quite articulate, I found myself dreading the entire process - the rehearsal, the BBQ, the bachelorette party for RO, the wedding, the reception...the people, all the people...i think that was it more than anything, all the people. My anxiety kicked into high mode and I found myself questioning everything and feeling sad and angry and bitter about the ways that my friendships with RO and LC have seemed scattered over the last few years. Something that is largely my fault because I can be so freaking self-involved sometimes, because I am so good at creating a distance between myself and others.

But then, Sunday as I sat in the chapel looking over my notes to the introduction and poem I was set to read, it hit me, TRNYC had asked me to read something at their wedding. They wanted me to be included. I would be one of three people out of 100. And as I stared at my notes I suddenly felt very warm and honored and happy and sad and so, when it came time to read and I turned to smile at them as I recounted my memories of that time that I lived across the street from them, a period when their front porch was the center of my universe, I had to fight back tears of the good kind.

One of the best moments of the entire day came as GB and I walked over to the reception hall and heard T.'s laugh, his unmistakable laugh, echoing all the way across the grounds of the Asi1omar Chapel...I forgot to mention his laugh! I told GB...That laugh I used to hear all the time from my apartment window, that wonderful, comforting laugh.... I forgot to mention it but I could at least enjoy the memory myself.

Later, at the start of the reception, RO came rushing up to me, the most beautiful bride, and thanked me and I said no thank you and I told her how much I miss her and she said, simply, come stay and I said we would and now we're thinking May would be a lovely time to visit New York. Later T. also thanked me with a huge hug and throughout the reception countless people came up to say how much they loved the story I told, the poem I read. You must be very special to them said the sister of the groom. I feel very special I said truthfully.

That night we danced and laughed and I cried so many times I gave up trying to fix my makeup and TRNYC were so beautiful together...he even sang to her, in front of all us and GB and I were so happy to see them and it was one of those weddings that makes me grateful for the person I have in my life, despite all the problems we have.

We couldn't find them the next morning when it was time to leave...they weren't in their hotel room. They weren't at breakfast. No one had seen them...maybe they've escaped us all I joked w/ T's father and later RO's mother and finally we had to leave back for home and I left a message on their voice mail and found my voice breaking as I said we love you guys and felt a tiny bit silly but so much happier than when the weekend started...

1:37 pm - 11.11.03

sounds: mary lou 1ord
i am:


previously on ... - next time on ...

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