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i could join the circus when they come to town

It is official: Most classes in my district will be fully online for the fall semester.

I am sad about this. I am grateful for my health and my job and, let’s be honest, the ability to work in leggings and take naps mid-afternoon just because. But I’m also sad because I miss seeing students in person. I miss the spirit of the classroom. I miss walking across campus. I even miss my stupid commute sometimes because it was a private space for me to listen to the news or music or an audiobook or just my thoughts.

I miss life in the before times and I miss optimism. I miss all the things we planned and talked about and looked forward to. I miss feeling OK about everything. Or, if I'm being honest, OK-ish.

I will spend my summer building the first half of courses for online teaching. Guess I'm glad we we were forced to lay so much groundwork—however hastily—this semester.

I'm up for tenure in the fall and it will be strange because instead of having my peer review team observe my classes they will instead get to poke around in my online course shells. Of course this brings about all kinds of new anxiety.

Anyway, so much for all these other summer plans. Maybe we'll get in a few road trips. T drove to Nevada the other day just because and I think I can convince C that we should do the same once I'm done with the semester (just a few more days now).

So much for everything.

I feel pretty down today. I wonder what this year could have been. I wonder what we could have done.

I am antsy and I am cooped up and I want to run away and have adventures instead of fretting about the swift decline of this country.

Edited to add: We have our jobs and our health and the few people I know who've contracted the virus are OK so I'm really trying to put things into perspective and not be so whiny but this is my diary so I will whine if I want to because if I don't let it out here I may explode into tears in real life--or at least more than I already do.

5:41 pm - 15.05.20

sounds:
words:
i am:

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previously on ... - next time on ...

the things that are still OK - 27.05.20 - 2:27 pm

girls like us are most perfect when we're biting off all of our finger nails - 21.05.20 - 3:14 pm

i could join the circus when they come to town - 15.05.20 - 5:41 pm

the good that won't come out, part 58 - 11.05.20 - 9:59 am

if i were brave - 07.05.20 - 8:56 am

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