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finishing the time, crashing around

My biological grandmother passed away on New Year's Day. She was 90. We shared the same birthday and the day before the birthday, she fell while trying to close her front door and was laid out on the floor for several hours until my mother made one of her several daily trips to check in on her. I guess she really never recovered from that. According to BioMom she basically stopped eating after all the fall and started talking about "wanting to go home." (She lived in her own home.) (Apparently this sort of quick deterioration is not unusual - last year GB's grandmother passed away shortly after a similar fall.)

BioMom seems to be doing really well with this; she says she was expecting it to happen and was emotionally prepared.

I, on the other hand, have no idea how I feel about it.


As some of you already know I never had the chance to meet my biological grandmother and just a few years ago, BioMom and I had something of a temporary fallout over the subject. I don't really want to re-hash it right now so let it just be said that the official word is that she didn't want to meet me because "it was too late in life" and yet, despite some communication issues, she'd sent me a Christmas card and money almost every year since I've been in contact with BioMom.

The very odd thing is that on New Year's Eve, GB and I discussed our upcoming Texas trip (we're planning to visit my other grandmother - my Dad's mom - and also wanted to make the 90 minute trip north to visit BioMom). GB brought up the idea of once again attempting to meet BioGrandmother and I just couldn't even take the discussion. Couldn't even think about broaching the subject, about the possible confrontation, the possible hurt feelings.

And then just a little more than 24 hours later the need for any contemplation, any discussion, any anything was over and I never had the chance to meet my grandmother and I never will.

And that is that, I suppose.

I cried a little after I got off the phone with BioMom. I bought a sympathy card and mailed it on Monday. When we go out there in the spring I plan to ask her to show me photos, to tell me stories. I hope, at least, that I can have this much.

Elsewhere in my life things are generally OK. I'm oscillating back and forth between being kind of sick and kind of OK. I'm either getting lots of good sleep or very little crappy sleep. I am either eating too much or trying to "be good." In a day or two I hope to feel as if my head is screwed on straight once again and thus get back into a regular exercise/food/sleep routine. Last night was a rock show, on a Monday no less, but despite only 5-ish hours of (crappy) sleep, I feel OK. That said, I intend to get to bed at a decent hour, to have no caffeine past 6 p.m., to eat a healthy dinner, to release stress by watching basketball and flipping through a magazine.

I've given myself permission to use January as a guilt-free slacker month. What this means is I don't have to make any major decisions, enact any major changes, start any major projects. (Unless there is some freakish life emergency of course). I only need to recover from school, from the holidays, from the various stresses of 2004.

Honestly, it's the only way I could even begin to fathom approaching 2005.

4:19 pm - 01.04.05

sounds:
words:
i am:

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previously on ... - next time on ...

money can't buy happiness but it does buy small pieces of of serenity - 15.07.12 - 4:29 pm

sh)t's about to get real, y'all - 31.05.12 - 9:46 am

why the hell not? - 29.04.12 - 8:38 pm

Hear that lonesome whistle blow... - 02.04.12 - 5:18 pm

a faith in something I can't see - 30.03.12 - 3:33 pm

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