the execution of all things...

OK, everything is wonky now. My buddy list thing says I haven’t updated in 2 days. Um, hello, I updated yesterday. And I still can’t access certain sites – but I guess this is a problem with my computer and the IT people are trying to fix it.

All that and it’s gray and rainy and I couldn’t figure out what to wear today so I ended up in an outfit that looked suspiciously like yesterday’s outfit. Only it WASN”T yesterday’s outfit so there’s just something rather depressing about my lack of imagination.

Today I’m going to try my first-ever yoga class. Here’s hoping I don’t look like a total dweeb and / or feel like I did when I was in 10th grade dance and had to watch in nerdy shame as all the ultra-limber girls flexed and stretched with arrogant ease ….

So, as I mentioned yesterday (when I updated, thank you very much), I got an interesting phone call yesterday. But wait, first let me back it up a bit…

OK, let me back it up a couple of years.

About two or three years ago I registered on one of those genealogy sites because I was looking for information about my grandfather and his family. Now, my grandfather – my dad’s dad- is still alive and we do talk sometimes, however he is pretty closed-mouthed about his childhood. Several years ago my aunt (his daughter) told me she thought he had had a younger sister while growing up on the Lower East Side of Manhattan. She thinks that younger sister may have been raped and killed as a child. As such, my grandfather won’t talk about it.

So, when I registered on this site, I was looking to find out any info on a sister.

Fast forward to December and I get an e-mail from a woman who saw my name/email on the genealogy site. She said she thought we might be part of the same family (I have a fairly unusual last name and if one more freaking person asks me if I’m related to the B-list actress who shares the almost identical last name – but spells it differently, I will scream….it happened again Wed. at the pharmacist…).

This woman seemed pretty legit – she had info that was very particular to my family. So I e-mailed her back and told her a little bit about myself. Told her who my father and grandfather were, mentioned my brothers, etc.

She e-mailed back and said she’d been working on an extensive family tree and wanted to send me the info she had. She asked me a few more questions – most of which I could not answer – I really have limited contact with that side of the family.

She e-mailed me again yesterday and said she felt like she needed to talk to me on the phone before she mailed me anything because she was ‘afraid she was venturing into sensitive territory’.

Um, OK. Seemed a bit weird, but I gave her my work number … and then she called.

I’ll try and pare it down to the essentials:

Basically she was doing this family tree stuff in memory of her mother who had always wanted to do it while she was alive, but never did.

During her researching, she came in contact with my father who said he would help her out because he wanted information on his family because his parents were aging and ailing.

Then, during her research, she came across me. Only she didn’t know my relationship to my father because in giving her extensive information on his side of the family, he somehow neglected to mention that he had THREE children.

This woman found this very odd – and was afraid maybe she’d stepped out of bounds somehow by contacting me – even though at the time she had no idea I was so directly related to this other person she was talking to.

When I told her on the phone yesterday that I hadn’t talked to my dad in three-and-a-half years she sucked in her breath and then muttered “Jerk”.

Well, yes, but that’s beside the point.

In any case, she’s given me some interesting background info on my grandfather’s side of the family – although no confirmation of a sister.

She told me I needed to go see “Gangs of New York” because apparently my family lived within five blocks of the “Gangs of New York” setting at the same time.

“Your family had to be very tough,” she said. “Your grandfather too, even though it was a different generation – that area of the Lower East Side is really really rough.”

“He never really talks about it,” I told her. “That and I don’t have a lot of contact with that side of the family.”

She was quiet for a moment after I said this – this woman who knows my tracings on the family tree, but theoretically doesn’t know me.

“That’s pretty characteristic of that side of the family,” she finally said. “The ability to just walk away from relationships – to go years without talking to someone. It’s in the genetic code.”

As I listened to the sound of her breath across 1500 miles of telephone wire – I thought of a million things to ask, but couldn’t bring myself to voice any of the questions.

How does she know this? How did she manage to articulate, after just 20 minutes on the phone, something I have suspected for years? That I am somehow destined to be just like my father and my grandfather and my grandmother – no matter how much I hate the idea?

And it’s true. I’m so good at walking away. At cutting off ties cleanly, or sometimes just letting them fray away until it’s hopeless to try and make repairs.

What if I have no control over the one thing about myself that bothers me the most?

...who knows, but somehow I feel as if something big has just opened up. Or rather, a very tiny slit has been made into a thick, black wall of darkness and I can suddenly see something where before there was nothing...

4:21 pm - 01.10.03

sounds: Ri1o Ki1ey
words: The Love1y Bone$
i am: wonky, again


previously on ... - next time on ...

money can't buy happiness but it does buy small pieces of of serenity - 15.07.12 - 4:29 pm

sh)t's about to get real, y'all - 31.05.12 - 9:46 am

why the hell not? - 29.04.12 - 8:38 pm

Hear that lonesome whistle blow... - 02.04.12 - 5:18 pm

a faith in something I can't see - 30.03.12 - 3:33 pm

latest entry

about me





random entry


other diaries: