| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sometimes i feel so goddamned trapped by everything that I know .... Yesterday afternoon on the way home from the doctor (you know the doctor�the one who thinks I should be popping out babies like my body�s an EZ Bake Oven �) I realized it�s been nearly four years to the day since I moved to NYC. And three-and-a-half months since I moved back. That�s a very long time and then again just a drop in the cosmic bucket�.egads�I am feeling�so many things at once. Sad. Dismayed. Regretful. Hopeful. Not sure. Angry. Confused. Confused. Confused. Confused. How much is it to ask that he make that one freaking phone call? After yesterday morning�s argument I thought for sure he would at least pick up the goddamned phone and call. But�no. So fine. I can�t ask him about it anymore. Or rather, I simply won�t. I told him I hate having to traipse about in the dark � stumbling around and cursing it up � because he won�t make the call and put one foot in front of the other. He says he cannot look to the future because it is too much to think about. Too overwhelming. I say I have to look to the future because it is too overwhelming not to do so� What to do? What to do? What to do? I sound like a demented whippoorwill. Poor Will. Poor Will.. This morning as I picked out some CDs for the day one literally jumped out like a pop tart popping out of the toaster . I kid you not. It was the CD I made for him nearly a year ago � so I stuck it into my CD case and listened to it first thing this morning only to be welcomed by a flood of feelings and memories and anticipation. Well what the hell did you expect? Nothing? No feelings. Ha�. All those songs. Ryan Adams. Christy McWilson. Badly Drawn Boy. Damien Jurado. Joseph Arthur. S. is right. If things are murky and hazy � if I feel as if I am drowning � then my mind starts to wander as if I could stave off my impending death by fantasizing my way out of it. And no, that�s not what I want to do. I have worked so hard these last six months. I have tried so hard to just watch it all shrink away � Fuck. Oh�the doctor�.I had to go back in for another physical therapist referral (long story) and instead of getting the really nice nurse practitioner that I saw last time (she�s no longer there), I had to see Dr. Baby Love who didn�t want to refill my Soma prescription (but did so grudgingly after many desperate pleas on my part). She didn�t even want to make the physical therapist referral but instead said I should take up yoga. You�re right, I should take up yoga. But since you pointed out yourself that it will take three months until I notice any results I don�t feel like suffering with back spasms and a stiff-as-a-board next so just give me the goddamned drugs and referral.. Thank you. Yes, I will call on the yoga. Last night I made vegetarian French Onion soup (the regular kind uses beef broth), salad and banana-date-chocolate chunk cookies. Last night we tried to buy the beautiful new iMac but it is on back order at all stores right now. GB is supposed to try and call Apple today to see if they can get it out to us more quickly. It�s definitely time to trade the old iMac in � it�s all buggy and freezy and icky � and we both have some extra cash with which to pay for it. Yeah I know he doesn�t have a job, blah blah blah �don�t worry, we�ve got the money and everything�s fine and dandy at least on that front. So the increasingly brilliant Nonce is currently engaged in a series of Google experiments (reminder: please go join my Google diary ring) to disprove my theory that you can�t manipulate a good Google search. Well, I don�t know how he did it�but he did it�he Googled me on the term �reassure the bird with a wee tug job�. The cynic in me says it must have taken quite a bit of research and plotting and manipulating, but the ooey-gooey believer in me says wow�.brilliant!. Brilliant indeed. Also googled on �theshivers� - twice. (Were either of those you?). As well as �My ever changing moods�. Well, today I think I will really work. Honest. This 500th entry of The Shivers has been brought to you by my ever-changing moods�. NP: Sonic Youth �A Thousand Leaves� 1:13 pm - 02.12.02
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money can't buy happiness but it does buy small pieces of of serenity - 15.07.12 - 4:29 pm sh)t's about to get real, y'all - 31.05.12 - 9:46 am why the hell not? - 29.04.12 - 8:38 pm Hear that lonesome whistle blow... - 02.04.12 - 5:18 pm a faith in something I can't see - 30.03.12 - 3:33 pm |
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