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you take the good, you take the bad...

I am really very sorry about that last entry. How whiny. How embarrassing. Which is not to say that I havenít been in this moderate state of freaked-outness latelyÖI haveÖ.but to sound like such a self-absorbed bitch about the whole thing?

Really, Iím sorry.

I would blame it all on the hormones but I know they only accentuate the feelings, they donít create them.

Anyway.

Iím feeling better now and (hopefully) seeing things a little more clearly, a little less bitterly.

It helps that CN approved my thesis. In fact, she said she Ďloved itíÖthat was wonderful to hear. And itís not that Iím looking to invalidate what M. thought Ė but more so just to prove to myself that this is all subjective. Itís art after all.

Afterwards I met with M and that was good too. Really. We had a lengthy discussion about the process of art and novel writing and following oneís instinct. She asked me if what she said last week, in regards to particular scenes of my piece, made me angry.

Yes, I said.

Did you want to resist it, she asked?

Yes.

Then resist it, she said. Follow your instincts and donít worry about me. Youíre a good writer, itís in there.

And that was that. Well not really Ė we kept talking and she told me she thought I was simply making the mistakes any first-time novelist makes and the fact that Iíve only been working on this with the idea that it would be a novel for a few months now, wellÖ.itís a long process, she said. Novels can take years.

And I just felt better about that. And I felt better that she was open to how I felt and didnít just dismiss it all. I felt better that she acknowledged that taste and style play a big role.

So now everything is really good to go.

Except for the very stupid fact that I brought my signature pages in on the wrong type of paper. For CN this was no big deal Ė she said sheíd sign my thesis title page on Tuesday when I do my reading. No, the problem is that VDW is going out of town. Today. And wonít be back until 2 days after the thesis is due. He signed the page that I brought in with the idea that I could perhaps copy them on to the correct paper. But he also asked me to e-mail the department chair to let her know and find out if itís OK.

Itís not OK.

Right now the dept. administrative assistant is trying to find out if they can approve me turning in my thesis on Dec. 1 instead of Nov. 29 Ėwith the idea that it is complete and all thatís missing is VDWís signature.

I feel stupid for not bringing it in on the 100 percent cotton paperóhonestly I wasnít even thinking about that part of it, I just kept thinking approval and signatures, approval and signature.

But, while that part is my fault, it isnít my fault that VDWís going to be out of town for 12 days Ė 2 days past the thesis due date. Because if he wasnít, I could obviously just bring in the correct paper anytime this coming Monday-Wednesday or next Monday.

Honestly, if they say that I canít turn in my thesis and Iím, thus, screwed? Let me tell you, you will hear my scream from here to the eastern tip of Maine. I will be pissed. I donít expect the world to revolve around me but I think they need to cut me some slack since VDW is going to be gone. The wrong paper? My fault Ė but one thatís easily fixed. VDW gone? Fine with me, but donít let it be the roadblock that puts a halt to the last two-and-half-years of work that Iíve put in.

OK, enough about school (although I should get off the computer and put in all those commas that CN marked as needed) Ė it really is a gorgeous day outside. Frosty cold but bright with pretty red and yellow leaves. And tonight there is dinner with friends and a rock show. And tomorrow there is the copying of the thesis on to the correct paper and then, hopefully, the making of soup and bread.

And then, if the stars align nicely for me just one more time, Iíll be done with all of this in just over a week. Yes, Iíll have two more weeks of classÖ.but that almost feels like an afterthought at this point.

So what is next?

1:22 pm - 11.20.04

sounds: quiet, except for the wind
words: thesis draft
i am: hoping the stars align

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previously on ... - next time on ...

money can't buy happiness but it does buy small pieces of of serenity - 15.07.12 - 4:29 pm

sh)t's about to get real, y'all - 31.05.12 - 9:46 am

why the hell not? - 29.04.12 - 8:38 pm

Hear that lonesome whistle blow... - 02.04.12 - 5:18 pm

a faith in something I can't see - 30.03.12 - 3:33 pm

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