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this is fortysomething

I just feel angry at everything today. My husband is at the top of this stupid list, at least the personal list. The awful president and his awful minions typically top the non-personal list and, sometimes, take both.

Anyway. Anger. Is this just what the rest of 40s are going to be like?

"I loved my 40s," BioMom told me more than once.

I'm sure she did. She and my stepdad spent the majority of her forties traveling around Europe and living in South Korea. Nearly everything except for her travel (and even then sometimes) was paid for by the government. She was treated like a queen and enjoyed the way it made the other military wives jealous. I'm not speculating on this, it's what she told me.

We finally met when she was 48--the age I am now. They were back in the States by that point. Living outside of Dallas. I wonder how she felt as she spun out of her 40s toward her 50s? Did she suddenly experience fatigue? Any depression? Did she sense her mortality, glimmering beyond the horizon?

Here's a true story. I put the wheels in motion to meet P. after dreaming that she died. I woke up, distraught and afraid I'd missed my chance.

When I told her that she said shortly before I called she'd dreamt of the two of us together, standing before a dresser mirror in her bedroom. I was already grown. We looked at each other in the reflection.
.

.


.


.

Meanwhile, my 40s haven't been awful, per se, but part of that whole zero-fucks-left-to-give mindset I'm working on cultivating means that I'm righteously pissed half the time and trying to balance that my natural tendency to be a people pleaser.

It's also a time of realizing the ways my mind and body try to fuck with me.

Things about my 40s I hate, a short list

Inability to sleep
Inability to stay asleep
How easy it is to gain weight
How difficult it is to take it off
Aches and pains
Increasingly faulty memory
Shitty hearing (hopefully to be fixed soon)
Shitty eyesight--or, rather, shittier than before
Short fucking temper

On the flip side I had a session with a personal trainer today to reintegrate weights into my life. I used to do them regularly and really enjoyed the meditative quality a routine brought. I'm not looking for radical transformation, here. I'd like to lose 5-10 pounds, improve cardiovascular strength and basically look better in sleeveless tops.

Here's to that at least.

2:56 pm - 21.06.18

sounds:
words:
i am:

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previously on ... - next time on ...

this is fortysomething - 21.06.18 - 2:56 pm

at the sound of a voice - 18.06.18 - 5:00 pm

mostly just relief - 13.06.18 - 3:54 pm

to smooth down the rat's nest - 09.06.18 - 4:47 pm

i don't like discos - 06.06.18 - 2:56 pm

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