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weeks probably, maybe a month

A real-life group text I never imagined sending to my brothers but here we are:

>>I think mom is good with us doing a military flag ceremony--which means we need to decide on a funeral home for the service and a cremation service as well. A***, I know you’re going to look into the details on the flag ceremony. Can either of you research funeral homes in S****? Or maybe we could ask S****? I can look into cremation services but it might be good to have the funeral home info first. I’m hoping we still have a good amount of time with her but we also need to be prepared.<<

My cousin-in-law's funeral was Monday. He was in the Air Force and there were three baby-faced cadets there in their best dress uniforms. The flag ceremony really did a number on me, especially when they handed it to my cousin at the end.

We talked to Mom about M's funeral and finally she said she'd be OK with that having that, too. That means we need to plan an actual service, not just the celebration of life. So much to think about and I don't want to think about any of it.

Any. Of. It.

She had a seizure early Tuesday morning. A caretaker was in the room with her when it happened. It lasted 7-8 minutes and she doesn't remember any of it. It just means her tumor is still there, probably growing larger despite the radiation. She slept most of that day and when awake was more confused than usual and had difficulty finding her words. It's called paraphasia.

They've doubled her anti-seizure medication and she's doing better now but also getting the morphine 4-6 times a day instead of only two. She weighs maybe a 100 pounds.

She's been in hospice for about five weeks now--she's already lived at least three weeks beyond the original prognosis of 3 days to 3 weeks.

Now we just wait.

"It's weeks, probably," the hospice nurse told me. "Maybe a month or two. Not longer than that."

When P. was in hospice (about six weeks), I don't think I really processed it in the same way. I grieved, of course. I worried and rushed out to Texas to see her and then waited, wondering. But it wasn't quite the same as it is now. Now every time I think of a future date or event I think of it in terms of "will she be here then?" I realized the other day that's because even though my mom and I could go a few weeks without talking (because I'm a lousy daughter) she was still such a big part of my life, my routine, my every day.

She still will be after she's gone, I know. Just in a very different way.

1:49 pm - 19.04.19

sounds:
words:
i am:

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previously on ... - next time on ...

build a little kindness in your bones - 19.06.19 - 8:40 pm

tiny failures every day, redux - 17.06.19 - 11:14 am

mourning the loss of her house - 30.05.19 - 8:39 pm

Goodbye, I love you. I love you, goodbye. - 19.05.19 - 3:40 pm

incredible lightness of being - 27.04.19 - 7:13 pm

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