| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- mother to a sister of a thought .... So, today in an e-mail, LM popped the Question. �When are you and (GB) going to have kids?� LM is the proud mother of an adorable eight-month baby girl. I have a few other friends who have children. They are all incredible kids. GB & I love to be around them and always say, yes yes yes bring the baby, the kid, whatever, when we go to dinner or when you come over or whatever� But good lord, the idea of having children scares the hell out of me. More than anything in this world has ever scared me. Not that I don�t think about it often. I do. All my life I have vacillated between wanting children and not being sure. In junior high I had my two sets of twins names picked out (something along the lines of Annabelle and something else ending in �belle� and I can�t remember the other names, I just know there were two sets of twins). Then in high school I declared I was never having children AND I was never getting married. (This to the horrified amazement of my friends..how can you not want that!?!?). Well obviously I backslided on that whole marriage thing� And GB and I talk about kids. I think he would be a terrific father. He�s the first person I�ve been with that I�ve thought that of � maybe a little overprotective. But loving and attentive and nothing like my father which is what really counts here. He says I would be a good mother. (And is he basing this opinion on how I parent my cats? Or something else?) But what if I�m not. What if? What if I�m a horrible and selfish mother? And that�s what scares me the most, that maybe I am too selfish to be a good parent. Maybe I would be the kind of mother who spends all day reclining in her darkened bedroom listening to the radio and drinking Long Island Iced Teas, just reading all my trashy glam magazines. Maybe I would have no patience for the Little Mermaid and Teletubbies and Blues Clues. Or playing Barbie for 10 hours straight. Or making mud pies. Or fixing snacks of Saltines-and-Peanut Butter�you know, all those things that are so important. I am serious. I am not joking here or being sarcastic or flip. It seriously worries me. I already feel pretty selfish much of the time. You know, it�s all about me, me, me � GB and I have decided that we are too broke right now to have children. We want to wait at least a few more years. Two or three. And so in my scared state of mind I am relieved to just push it off a bit longer, claiming financial reasons � and secretly terrified that someday I�ll discover I�m unfit and unworthy of motherhood. How does everyone else do it? How do my friends keep their sanity? How do they keep their identities? Am I making too much of this? 1:06 p.m. - 2001-07-12
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money can't buy happiness but it does buy small pieces of of serenity - 15.07.12 - 4:29 pm sh)t's about to get real, y'all - 31.05.12 - 9:46 am why the hell not? - 29.04.12 - 8:38 pm Hear that lonesome whistle blow... - 02.04.12 - 5:18 pm a faith in something I can't see - 30.03.12 - 3:33 pm |
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