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How did I get here?

Everything feels like a downward spiral lately. Sometimes I'm in denial about it and continue on as if my life were neat and orderly and predictable.

But it's getting harder and harder to do that. Nearly impossible.

Last year, after I lost my job, we started working on a government home loan modification with our bank. Last October we were put into a "trial modification" program that cut our payments in half. Our modification was still under review and the application was scheduled to be reviewed by February.

February came and still no answer so the bank told us to keep making the trial payments until we got an answer.

Every month I called to check on the status, every month I was told it was still under review. Every month I was told to keep making the trial payments.

Long story short, two weeks ago we got a foreclosure notice from our bank that stated we were six months overdue on our loan. After hours and hours on the phone with our bank I finally learned that we were turned down for the modification (a letter explaining this is, apparently, still on its way) and that now we owed them for those "missed payments." Never mind that we haven't missed a single payment-we've made every payment they told us to make. But I guess once you're turned down it reverts back to what the payment should be. It seems logical that it would revert once you are turned down but not logical that it would become retroactive.

Nowhere in any of the paperwork they sent us does it say that this would happen if we were turned down.

We are also, apparently, still in review for an "in-house" modification (the one we were turned down for was the government H*MP program--which, incidentally, I just read turns down 95 percent of its applicants during the trial period).

We should find out within 30-60 days about the in-house modification. Based on the research I've done those terms could be much worse so I'm not sure if we could afford it even if we were approved.

Either way it seems like we are very close to losing our house. This month, for the first time, we are actually not going to make our payment--according to the loss mitigation person I spoke with on Monday the bank probably wouldn't accept anything but the total amount due ($11,600) anyway. We're going to take that money and pay off some of our credit card. We're going to keep doing that until they either approve us or kick us out. We figure we have at least 30-60 days before we get a notice to that effect.

On top of it all, C. really really really needs a new car. His is 16 years old--that is how thrifty he is. So, today we applied for a loan. We know our credit is going to get a major hit so we wanted to apply before that happened. Nonetheless he got turned down (income-to-debt ratio). Now we're going to apply jointly through his bank.

It's weird to think about buying a new car right now (well, a used car) but his is really on the verge of dying and once you factor in the gas money he'd save (we're looking at a hybrid), the payments would be pretty affordable.

Fingers crossed.

It feels like losing my job is finally catching up with me--like the first year after getting laid off was the honeymoon period during which I still had that nice severance package and the belief that the banks would help us stay in our house (which, incidentally, is worth just over half of what we paid for it).

Now I don't know--now I don't know what the answers are or what's going to happen next.

We may have to find a new place to live soon. There's the chance we can move into my best friend's house--she and her husband are contemplating moving into a rental they own if it becomes available. That would be ideal. If not, we'll be out there trying to find something with lousy credit. I know that in today's world lousy credit doesn't follow you forever but it's still demoralizing--we've tried so hard to play by the rules and be faithful to our obligations.

Trying so, so hard to focus on the good things in my life. My husband. My cats. My jobs. The book--so close to being finished. My friendships. The arrival of fall. Family.

Sometimes thinking about these things is enough to get me through the day. Sometimes, honestly, it's not.

I need to find strength somewhere. I need to figure out what's going to happen. I need to know how to take back the control over my life.

11:59 am - 01.10.10

i am:


previously on ... - next time on ...

money can't buy happiness but it does buy small pieces of of serenity - 15.07.12 - 4:29 pm

sh)t's about to get real, y'all - 31.05.12 - 9:46 am

why the hell not? - 29.04.12 - 8:38 pm

Hear that lonesome whistle blow... - 02.04.12 - 5:18 pm

a faith in something I can't see - 30.03.12 - 3:33 pm

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