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that's why i take pills (Pt. 2)

I think Iíve made a big decision on the whole school thing

No, Iím not dropping out or anything.

I just had this sort of brain flash yesterday just as I was about to have yet another meltdown.

So there I was sitting there rubbing my temples and trying to resist the urge to pull out my hair when my boss put another assignment on my desk. I got out my calendar and started jotting down all of my assignments and their due dates. And I realized that my work load has nearly doubled in the last month because of this new weekly project Iíve got going on.

In the next three weeks I have seven projects due. Some of these projects require overtime or working odd hours. So, as I said I was rubbing the temple and trying to not pull out the hair and wondering when I was going to squeeze in homework much less writing short stories not to mention family obligations and spending time with GB when I thought to myself Shivers, you just canít do this for the next two-and-a-half years. This is only the first semester and already youíre working to maximum capacity.

Iíve already been sick once this semester and as I look at my calendar and juggle and jot and rearrange, I start feeling sick to my stomach. And when I try to tell myself that there are only 8 weeks or so left in the semester then I get bitter and think but yeah, then you only have one month off before it all starts up again.

I should just cut to the chase already Ė I think that instead of trying to kill myself with two classes again in the spring Iím going to just take one class. And then, hopefully, I can do an independent study class over the summer. Then the plan is to take two classes again in the fall and work really hard and knock myself out and then, in the spring, just take one class again and so on and so forth until I graduate. Hard then easy, hard then easy, etc. More balance that way, I think. More of a chance to actually do quality work instead of rushing through everything.

If it all works out it will really only mean one extra semester of school and it wonít cost anymore. And really what is one extra semester Ė four months Ė if it means that Iím in a better space mentally and physically?

Iíve also decided that Iím just not going to worry about trying to get any tuition waivers. In order to do that Iíd have to go part-time here so that I could teach and have office hours there. The reason to do the teaching / office hours things is a) tuition waver and b) experience. But the irony is that to get the waiver I have to lose money here at work and if I go part-time thereís no guarantee I could get full-time hours again when I wanted it Ė you know how those things go. So basically itís like losing money to get money with the possibility of losing more money. Whatís really at stake here is the experience. After talking with my friend here Ė the one for whom Iíve done a bit of student teaching Ė I was reassured that I could get more experience in her classroom. She says sheíll work with me to actually teach classes, not just assist. I made another call to the financial aid people and got a best case / worst case scenario of how much my student loans will cost me per month once I graduate. Best case: $222 a month for 20 years. Worst case $333 for 20 years. Thatís less than Iím paying on credit cards right now and my cards will be paid off by the time I graduate. Itís really not bad Ė especially if it helps me to earn more money (via teaching) in the future.

Have I mentioned lately how much GB rocks? He's been just this incredible source of strength for me. Putting up with my freak-outs and morose moods and crankiness. Bringing me hot soy lattes at work. Running small errands for me. Buying me little gifts (like a copy of Bry*n F#rry's "B*ys & G*rls" - my favorite album from my senior year in high school). Remaining cheerful and optimistic despite all of his own ups-and-downs...

AchÖthereís so much going on that I want to catch up on here but I donít have much more time to write. Thereís this whole thing w/ GBís job Ė basically we are afraid of being on the brink of the same thing we went through last year. Not that it surprises us. Iíll go into more detail later but the gist of it is that the next couple of months are crucial and weíre trying to save money just in case (he canít apply for unemployment again until January) and weíre also talking about what we would do long-term if that happened. The possibility of him going back to school has come up.

Anyway, probably no more updates until at least Monday Ė weíre leaving tonight for my friend from high schoolís wedding in Pasadena. Weíre staying at a nice place and renting a nice car and eating at the vegetarian drive-thru they have there and weíre dressing up and going to the wedding to smile and be happy for two people who are set to officially commit to one another in a splendidly beautiful (and overpriced) ceremony. Seriously, itís going to be a big olí shin-dig steeped in lotsa money and Iím going to enjoy every last bit of it Ė I hope.

Iím so ready to be sitting on the plane with my tiny plastic cup of Diet Coke and ice. Iím probably the only person in the world who finds this ritual of going someplace to be strangely comforting.

11:33 am - 10.18.02

sounds: Doug Martsch
words: ...
i am: thinking, planning, staying calm...

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previously on ... - next time on ...

money can't buy happiness but it does buy small pieces of of serenity - 15.07.12 - 4:29 pm

sh)t's about to get real, y'all - 31.05.12 - 9:46 am

why the hell not? - 29.04.12 - 8:38 pm

Hear that lonesome whistle blow... - 02.04.12 - 5:18 pm

a faith in something I can't see - 30.03.12 - 3:33 pm

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