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to smooth down the rat's nest

Today has been ... strange. Was supposed to go check out garage sales with K. but she canceled at the last minute because she's not feeling well. I slept horribly last night and eventually tried to take a nap--but basically failed at that. In short this has been a pretty unproductive day. Mostly reading and scrolling through social media and feeling slightly discontented with everything.

Discontented and guilty, perhaps. I have a hard time taking a day to do nothing, even when it's probably necessary.

At least I will get out of the house tonight. C's band has a show, which means I'll smooth down the rat's nest of hair, smudge on some eyeliner and try to find clothes that don't make me feel old and fat.

My foray into the summer of eating healthy and drinking less has not been off to the most swimming of starts but have exercised a lot this week and I scheduled a session with a trainer because I need to get back into a weight routine but feel as though I've forgotten everything but the most basic of moves.

Unrelated, but perhaps actually related: My friend KB emailed to set up a movie and beer date. She had a brain tumor last year--the same kind I'm being tested for--and underwent radiation therapy for it. She's not someone I see a lot of--she's very shy/introverted but also in graduate school--so it's always nice when we have the chance to get together and it's so nice to know someone is thinking of me.

Unrelated, but perhaps actually related: I am devastated about the deaths of Kate Sp*de and Anthony Bo*rdain. Gutted, actually. As a person who struggles immensely with depression and has contemplated suicide it cuts close to the quick, carves a space out around my heart. Depression is such a brutal beast.
Last night I made myself get out of the house (C had band practice). A girl at the paper invited me to her last-day-of-work party and even though I don't know her well I like her and I found the gesture sweet, particularly because she's almost 20 years younger than I am. I told her I'd drop by and then spent the day feeling the social anxiety creep up. In the end, though, I had a great time and stayed far longer than I'd planned. A lot of my former colleagues were there and one jumped up to give me a hug and even though the beer I ordered was awful I felt surrounded by much-needed cheer.

Tonight I'll do it again: Swallow the anxiety, step into the night, hope for a meaningful conversation or at least some heartfelt pleasantries.

P.S. Thank you for your text. It meant the world to me.

4:47 pm - 09.06.18

sounds:
words:
i am:

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previously on ... - next time on ...

on summer malaise, freaking out and other good things - 06.07.18 - 12:33 pm

Jesus, subconscious, WTF - 27.06.18 - 12:13 am

this is fortysomething - 21.06.18 - 2:56 pm

at the sound of a voice - 18.06.18 - 5:00 pm

mostly just relief - 13.06.18 - 3:54 pm