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Be cool Shivers, be cool

Been thinking a lot about what you had to say about friends and that TV show everyone seemed to like in the 2000s. I've never fit into that model of friendship. Friendship rarely comes easy for me. I feel as though I am an open book but have been repeatedly told that it's hard to get to know me. Since high school I've been told this. It's strange to have such a disconnect between the way I feel and the way others see me.

To that end, however, I do know that I can be selfish and self-absorbed. That I'm not always there when someone needs a friend. I'm trying to work on that--it's hard if only because I sometimes don't recognize the selfishness in the moment.

Last night G (the singer in C's band) played in a Stereo1ab tribute (Stereo1ad) with the fellows from that one band that uses punctuation as a band name. They're doing a four-show stint, including two gigs in LA. She got pretty drinky and by the end of the night she was hugging me every five minutes.

I love you so much--I don't know when I started loving you so much. I don't know when I didn't love you..

It was funny and sweet, especially if because if there's anyone who is a tough read, it's her. The first couple of years I knew her I thought she didn't like me much. After T's accident and all the revelations that came with it, G spent some time doing therapy and told me she learned how shut-in inside her head she can be.

It's like, I'll look at you and think 'you look great! I'm so glad to see you!' but the words will never make it out of my head.

For me it sometimes feels like the opposite. Like I'm so needy and desperate for love that I will try too hard. That I have to talk myself down, Be cool Shivers, be cool and yet I keep getting the "You're hard to get to know."

Anyway.

I want to read your new blog, by the way.

On a different note I've made two doctor appointments. One for the usual lady business stuff (hoo boy) and one to check my thyroid levels. I have hypothyr0idism--been taking medication for it for 12 years. Earlier this week I realized I'd lost the outer-third of my right eye eyebrow. It's just...gone.

A little Internet sleuthing told me this is a symptom of the HT--which may mean I need to change my dose. Let me tell you I do not like having to draw in the outer third like an old lady armed with an eyebrow pencil. Not one bit.

Fun, huh?

2:28 pm - 04.12.15

sounds:
words:
i am:

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previously on ... - next time on ...

On this, the longest night of the year ... - 21.12.15 - 7:46 pm

those neurons, tho - 17.12.15 - 2:57 pm

I'm not that good at breathing in ... - 16.12.15 - 2:03 pm

A cluster of grief, knotted - 09.12.15 - 11:02 am

everything is awful, most of all me - 08.12.15 - 12:03 pm

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