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it varies from season to season...

The first really gray sky of the season – heavy dark clouds resting on the horizon – and to go with it an e-mail from the Quasi Rock Star

For you reading pleasure (I won’t bother telling you how it made me feel…the statement of such emotions seems superfluous)

last i read, you claimed to be in the midst of a nervouds breakdown.- me too.

only mine seems to have become my perpetual state of being which frightens me a bit.....

drinking too much lately. wasting too much time. reading one hundred years of solitude. thinking about graduate school myself.

hmmmmmm.

i have these dreams [both waking and sleeping] of stumbling around in freezing cold air through some small town back east...weekend trips to boston and new york city.

i piece of paper to prove my intellectual nature.

ahhh but it's all just speculation, and my great depth of fear that i'll never make it in music...that it is impossible for me...with all of the trouble booking and keeping a band together, you'd think i would have given up by now.....

but no.

i am in love you see.

though i confess, that i've not been writing much music lately. hmmmm not sure why that is.

i am certainly lonely and somewhat depressed.

isn't that supposed to make for great and prolific art?

but fall has arrived, and that helps me to wallow in my sad moments. the cold air and grey skies a gift of great measure. last weekend i went backpacking in the sierras with my friend ben.

we slept at 9000 feet and felt the crushing hands of the icy air. a full moon crashing over a lake.

the world bereft of humans.

i wonder how you are.

how this school thing is.

how you balance a busy life.

mine isn't really all that busy, just filled with a great turmoil. trying to hold a band together that seems to be falling apart. afraid of turning 30 soon, and tired of my lackings.

physical.

emotional.

and so on.

blah.

i shall write no more at the moment, for i must sound so bloody miserable.

really i am not.

really.

just today i guess.

hello Shivers….

~Quasi Rock Star


Ok onward.

Letters notwithstanding I feel a bit out of sorts today. The weather is beautiful but I feel a bit – the only word I can think of here that really seems to fit is …loose. I feel as parts of me are in danger of coming off – like I’m about to lose something vital. I couldn’t tell you whether it’s something emotional or physical or entirely abstract….but there you have it.

I did sleep straight through the night – from midnight to 6 a.m. – without waking up once. Well GB claims I got up to use the bathroom when he came to bed but I don’t remember that so it doesn’t count.

Today is the kind of day where all I feel like doing is listening to Death Cab for Cutie on the headphones. Maybe write. I’ve been working on a new short story – abaondoned one (for now) that I started at the Beach House and am all fired up over a new one. Well I’m theoretically fired up over it. I’ve only actually written about 500 pages but I’ve done a lot of research too and made notes. Can’t stop thinking about it – plan to do some serious writing this weekend at my study café.

I hope it’s appropriately gray and cold and writer-like outside. That always helps the creative process.

Really.

11:24 am - 10.23.02

sounds: Death Cab For Cutie
words: Village Voice
i am: cold

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previously on ... - next time on ...

money can't buy happiness but it does buy small pieces of of serenity - 15.07.12 - 4:29 pm

sh)t's about to get real, y'all - 31.05.12 - 9:46 am

why the hell not? - 29.04.12 - 8:38 pm

Hear that lonesome whistle blow... - 02.04.12 - 5:18 pm

a faith in something I can't see - 30.03.12 - 3:33 pm

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