when the starting part is finished...

Gosh, is it really Monday night? Where did the day go? Where did the weekend go?

Besides out the window in a giant sucking sound?

It's not like it was party or rock'n'roll central either...yet i still feel pretty burnt out - my mind just continues to spin about school.

Should it be this hard?

I mean, it is starting to fall into place. But I'm a bit worried about a couple of elements and I won't relax until Thursday when I'm actually in my workshop class -registered. IN the meantime, however, I'm busy trying to put together an independent study course on Culture and Identity in 20th Century Women's Literature. Trying to formulate a list of authors /books. So far I have

    not in any real order:

  • Jean Rhyss - Wide Sargasso Sea
  • Joan Didion - Play it as it Lays
  • Joan Didion - A Book of Common Prayer
  • Katherine Mansfield - the Garden Party (short story)
  • Doris Lessing - The Golden Notebook
  • Doris Lessing - To Room 19 (short story)
  • Toni Morrison - The Bluest Eye
  • Virginia Woolf - Mrs. Dalloway
  • Virginia Woolf - To the Lighthouse
  • Margaret Atwood - The Edible Woman
  • Barbara Kingsolver - The Poisonwood Bible
  • Jeanette Winterson - Oranges are Not the Only Fruit

It's kind of broad I know but I was thinking of looking at 20th century female authors throughout the decades - a kind of overview - and how they addressed female /feminist culture and identity. If anyone has any comments / suggestions on how to improve upon this list, I would greatly appreciate it. I need to e-mail my course description by midweek. I was also considering Eudora Welty, Carson McCullers, Zora Neale Huston and Grace Paley.

Hmmm, I'm working backwards - I was supposed to tell you before making the list that the very cool thing I found out on Friday is that I can do independent study courses! The amazing wonderful super-cool Dean of English at the college was very ...well amazing, wonderful and super-cool. Seems she got her MFA while working full-time AND supporting a family - so she understands some of the constraints I'll be under because I'm both working full-time and commuting 90 miles each way.

You're not crazy she said to me when I sat down in her office on Friday afternoon. I mean, you are - we all are .... But we can make this work.

She said all it takes is finding professors willing to take on the extra load. She said she does it all the time - she even lets students do it during the summer and then put it on their Fall registration.

I asked if it was too late to do it this semester. She said 'no'. I asked if she might be willing to supervise one for me.

I don't see why not she said.

It was at this point that I wanted to both burst out crying and leap over her desk and give her a great big hug.

I mean, do you know how amazing this is?

If I do three or four independent study courses - probably all literature courses - it will greatly reduce the amount of time I need to spend on campus and free up time for actual studying. I might even get done w/ my MFA in 2 1/2 years instead of three.

Some people say you're cheating yourself of the academic experience by not being on campus as much said the Dean in regards to the two different schools of thought on independent study. But I say if you're ambitious and organized enough to follow-through on an indepently-devised course of study - and you do it while working full-time, well that just shows how special you are. You're an adult now - you can write your own ticket.

Lemme tell ya - it's enough to even give a pessimist like me hope.

Though, I will say this, sitting through the actual orientation was a bit much.

The room was divided by first year and second year students.

Now first of all - knowing that it will take me more than 2 years to get my MFA - such a division seemed simultaneously kind of na´ve and presumptious.

Second of all, while I appreciated the fact that the other first year students looked as sick and nervous as I felt - I was a bit put off by the rah-rah-sis-koom-bah attitude of the second year students and all their talk of "meetings in the pep lounge" and volunteering for extra-curricular activity.

I mean, who are these people?

Do they not have jobs? Or outside lives?

I felt a little better while I was talking to another first-year student who admitted she'd probably be considered pretty anti-social by campus standards.

I mean, I'm married - I have other friends and I live an hour away she said. When I'm done with class - it's going to be like - see ya

Amen sister, amen.

Speaking of friends...had a bit of a blow-out with Cupcake over the weekend.

We had e-mailed about meeting up after my orientation on Thursday.

Well, at least that had been the plan. We e-mailed a couple of times and then she said she had to get back to me with her schedule.

By Wednesday I hadn't heard anything so I e-mailed her about midday.

Didn't hear back from her.

Got home that night and realized I'd left her cell phone number at work.

No big deal, I thought - she probably got busy or something.

And then I got this e-mail from her on Thursday night:

What happened today? I went to the cafe I emailed about yesterday and waited for you or a call from you. You weren't there, nor did you call my cell phone. Short of a disaster (which I hope didn't happen), I don't understand how this could have been so messed up. I know I replied to your email yesterday at a godly hour - so you must have gotten it. I also know that I gave you my cell phone #. I also know that the only numbers of yours that I have are a work # (which is useless when you're not there) and a home # (which I tried to call from the cafe twice but it rang a bunch and then stopped, sans answering machine pickup).

I know that there's probably a logical explanation, but I still feel hurt and mad. We've tried to hook up so many times and one of us always flakes. For some reason, it just seemed like this was the time for us to meet up for real. If you were uncertain about plans, the least you could have done is called my cell phone after your orientation and squared it away. If I knew your cell # I would have called it.

I don't know.... just very disappointed here.... very discouraged about getting my hopes up again about seeing you....but I do hope that everything is okay and you are safe and well... sorry to complain but I need to vent...

OK...first of all. She didn't e-mail me until 5:20 p.m. - and I left work at 5:15. She knows I work 9-to-5.

Second of all, if she didn't hear back from me why did she assume we were on for a time and location that we never actually discussed with one another?

I e-mailed her back Thursday night and tried to explain this. I also called her. Left a message.

No response. The more I thougth about it, the more upset I became. I mean really - how much nerve does it take to get mad at someone over something like this? I didn't stand her up there was simply some (major) miscommunication.

I e-mailed her again yesterday and tried to explain - politely - that I was upset at her being upset and that I felt like her e-mail to me was not fair.

Finally got a response today.

She said she's still hurt and mad but can understand that it was a miscommunication. But thinks I dropped the ball - I should have followed up by calling her. Says that I said I would call her. Don't really remember that - but with the way my mind's been the last two weeks - who knows?

She also said she feels there's been a real emotional distance between us lately.

And it's definitely true - I mean, she moved back to Oakland for the summer and didn't let me know until just now?

Anyway, I wrote her back - something along the lines of "i know you're mad and I'm upset that you're mad and we both feel we've been wronged - but can we just try to move beyond it?"

I don't want to suffer a permanent rift in our friendship over a miscommunication.

I mean, come on....this is the girl with whom I travelled cross-country in the dead of August. This is the girl who helped me through my break-up w/ both the Ex and the Poet.

We've been through too much together.

Ugh. WHY does maintaining a friendship have to be so freaking hard?

Especially on top of everything else.

Last Thursday was so stressful I practically cried the entire way home from the college after meeting with my advisor (not the dean - that came Friday) and then to get that e-mail and then no response all weekend.


No, make that a double FEH.

With extra foam.

Anyway, enough whining - but I just needed to vent.

Hopefully we can move on....

Now, on to something more fun.

Inspired by the Captain

A short list of clothes you will never see me in (some of these are the same as the Captain's....)

  • anything of the ass-leak variety. Meaning no bleached out spots on the ass, knees, thighs, whatever. I'm sorry, but acid-washed by any other name is still revolting.

  • flat shoes. By this I mean no flat-soled sandals, oxfords or loafers. I have to have some kind of heel - often of the wedge / platform variety because I'm five-freakin'-five-and-a-half. I need HEIGHT. Otherwise I just feel puny and invisible. I am five-feet-seven, hear me roar, you know?

  • Pantyhose - the very word repulses me.
  • Terrycloth anything. Retro revival or no, it brings back too many bad memories of wearing Evonne Goolagong tennis short sets in the 5th grade. In yellow and lavender
  • Appliqued sweaters. Need I say more?
  • Anything by Tommy Hilfiger
  • Anything with a huge obnoxious logo on it
  • Anything in yellow. I look horrible in yellow
  • Birkenstocks - I don't care how comfortable they're supposed to be. I hate the way they look. Same goes for Tevas.

that's all i can think of right now. Why do I even try to be interesting or clever? Especially when I'm so frayed and tired and feh-ed out...

sorry for this basically stupid and rambling entry....you might want to check my profile and go read all the much more interesting diaries listed there....

I'm going to go look at more books.....

9:16 pm - 08.26.02

sounds: Sleater-Kinney: One Beat
words: more reading lists
i am: still trying to figure things out...


previously on ... - next time on ...

money can't buy happiness but it does buy small pieces of of serenity - 15.07.12 - 4:29 pm

sh)t's about to get real, y'all - 31.05.12 - 9:46 am

why the hell not? - 29.04.12 - 8:38 pm

Hear that lonesome whistle blow... - 02.04.12 - 5:18 pm

a faith in something I can't see - 30.03.12 - 3:33 pm

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