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nothing is happening, it's all confusion

I'm going crazy. I bought a pregnancy test but, honestly with everything that's been happening in the last month I can't even remember the date of my last period.

I'm useless, the pregnancy test is useless--all this worry and wonder is useless...until. Until enough time goes by to convince me that things here are different now.

Yesterday I ordered a half-caf/half-decaf at the coffee shop. Just in case. My coffee habit is so strong I'd have to wean myself down to the recommended 100 milligrams slowly. On Friday--just in case, everything is now just in case--I tried going cold turkey and that, my friends, was awful. I finally succumbed to a Diet Coke and then, in the afternoon, a nap.

Yesterday as I sipped my coffee--of which I only drank half anyway once I was convinced the caffeine-deprived headache was no longer lurking--I prayed:

Please let me be pregnant. Please.

The 2 a.m. almost-morning sickness, however, is gone. The all-consuming fatigue, too. There is still a general feel of queasiness but that could just be my imagination working overtime.

I am probably not in a family way but this close proximity to the possibility makes me realize just how much I really do want it.

12:44 pm - 17.10.10

sounds:
words:
i am:

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previously on ... - next time on ...

money can't buy happiness but it does buy small pieces of of serenity - 15.07.12 - 4:29 pm

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Hear that lonesome whistle blow... - 02.04.12 - 5:18 pm

a faith in something I can't see - 30.03.12 - 3:33 pm

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