when january.....

So, I didn't mean to be disingenuous with my last entry...and thank you to everyone who dropped by notes with notes of concern or e-mailed me...

I'm OK in the sense that I'm not falling apart, dying of a rare, mysterious disease or bleeding out my ears....

I guess I'm OK in general...but I have some issues to work out...some of them I can attribute to this hamster wheel of depression I seem to live on...some of them to the fact that the last month of my life has been consumed with school, work and holidays with barely a peaceful moment to spare - some of it can be attributed to the fact that I haven't found either the time or motivation to exercise in three weeks and it's starting to show....maybe some of it is this thyroid thing. I don't think the medication is doing much yet but I'm holding out hope....

In any case, of all my issues and ups and downs and mood swings, the thing that is hardest for me to talk about is the thing I feel as if needs the most attention. So bear with me if I stumble around and blush but I figured if I can't try and spit it out here then I don't know where I can. Lord knows I've tried in therapy and that hasn't helped.

Some of you may file the following under the Too Much Information category...

Can somebody out there tell me if it's normal for a relatively healthy 33-year-old woman to have nearly zero sex drive?

A relatively healthy 33-year-old woman who adores her husband and WANTS to have a great sex life...

Something is wrong and I don't know how to fix it. This problem dates back to before GB and it definitely, like my depression, has a cycle of its own (meaning sometimes I am randy as all hell....) but lately it feels as it's more not there than there....

some of the factors that I think may be involved:

  • hormones
  • inhibitions
  • energy
  • GB tries to be understanding. But naturally, as a healthy 31-year-old male, it can be a bit frustrating for him. Add in that I sometimes have trouble showing affection (holding hands, touching, etc) and it'd downright depressing for the both of us.

    The hormones and energy level can be tinkered with .... but the inhibitions and the strange fear I feel at my core, must be dealt with...if not head-on, than at least via an aggressive side-step routine...

    Why were one-night stands very easy when I was in my early twenties? Why did I have a six month relationship with the Poet JUST for the sex?

    Why do I dream about sex but feel paralyzed when I'm awake?

    It makes me feel like such a puritanical freak and not the supposedly strong, independent and self-sufficient woman that I otherwise should be. Not the happily married woman that I know I am....

    (side note, there is no record of a traumatic sexual experience in my life --- i've ventured down that road of hypothesis before....but I do know there are other very ripe issues of self-esteem that I need to explore)

    GB and I have a had a couple of long talks about it this week and I've said that I'm going to seek out help again. Whether via therapy or a trip to my doctor or both. He is willing to go to therapy with me. He is willing to help me on all the small steps so that we may figure out the bigger picture...

    In the meantime I am consoling myself with the fact that it is New Year's Eve. I hate the party aspect of the holiday but I love the freshness that is promised by the new year. I love a blank calendar, I love New Year's Resolutions...I love all the potential and possiblities...I love the thought that I can start over once again....

    maybe later today or tomorrow I will post some New Year's Resolutions....

    ...in the meantime I've discovered the joys of cross-stitching - there's something to be said for a mind-numbing hand-eye coordination activity that involves a sharp needle to deter your thoughts from other pressing issues....

    thanks for listening -- double thanks if you don't think I'm a total freak...

    9:38 am - 12.31.02

    sounds: thoughts whirring in my head
    i am: still overwhelmed, but hopeful


    previously on ... - next time on ...

    money can't buy happiness but it does buy small pieces of of serenity - 15.07.12 - 4:29 pm

    sh)t's about to get real, y'all - 31.05.12 - 9:46 am

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    Hear that lonesome whistle blow... - 02.04.12 - 5:18 pm

    a faith in something I can't see - 30.03.12 - 3:33 pm

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