| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- on being brittle and bitter, sorry and sour ... So the forecast has been upgraded from a projected high of 107 degrees to 108. Fuck. But so far it is very cloudy and gray and muggy outside�so perhaps it won�t get that high�hopefully? So far today my mood is much better than yesterday�s and I�m not sure why. Yesterday was therapy and honestly, I felt as if maybe I were holding back. I felt protective of something. Or fearful. Or unsure. I tried to be as honest as possible regarding my feelings for GB. And I was honest when I said that I believe the question regarding us is gone. The question being do I want to remain in the relationship. I�m pretty much 99 percent sure that is what I want. The only questions that remain are 1) how do we communicate better so that we�re not constantly taking one step forward and two steps back? This weekend it felt as if we were mired in quicksand. Sinking as we struggled to keep our heads above the sludge of fighting and miscommunication and assumptions. And 2) how do we reconcile what we both want out of life with each other? The fact that I want to travel more and want to go back to school and he wants something perhaps a bit more stable and assured. S, my therapist, pointed out that good relationships involve embracing those differences and making them work for you and not against you. Perhaps my mood yesterday was mostly heat-related. I felt so prickly � I felt as if I was on fire, in such a bad way. I�m more of a fair-weathered friend, at least when it comes to myself. When the heat gets too bad I just want to get out of the kitchen. I withdraw. Or sizzle and snap. Not a pretty sight. You don�t want to be around me. So last night Guitar Girl came over to practice with GB. I have two trains of thought here � each one threatening to collide if I don�t slow down. So, the first train of thought is that she is so fucking talented and so young! I can�t believe I�m 12 years older than she is. She plays guitar so well (GB was very very impressed and that says a lot� �she doesn�t need me to play with her� he said) And she has a beautiful voice that will only become more beautiful as she gains more confidence. And she writes great songs. And she�s just a freaking kid. So my prediction is that some day she will become at least fairly well-known. She�s outgoing and funny and ambitious in a sweet way. Hopefully she won�t lose that sweetness. Oh and she�s a total music freak. Quoting songs here and there, able to play songs by ear, reading everything, listening to everything she can. So taking that train of thought and jumping over the tracks to the next train I find myself horribly jealous of her. Jealous of her talent. I feel like such a small and dim light next to her bright and shining star. And I hate myself for feeling that way. I want to play guitar so badly and sometimes I practice but I feel as if, well, I�m too old to start now. I�ll never catch up. I know that�s stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. You don�t have to tell me that. But my voice�well, if I could just sound like Liz Phair on a good day I�d be happy. And writing songs? I don�t know where to start. Anyway, last night I felt so brittle and bitter and sorry and sour I just wanted to curl up into myself and disappear like one of those little pill bugs you see on sidewalks. The black and shiny kind with furry feet that disappear as they close up when you touch them. That�s me. That�s how I felt. Don�t touch me. Don�t look at me. Just leave me to close up into my own miserable little shell� GB could sense it. After Guitar Girl left he kept asking if I was OK. I said I was fine, what else could I say? If I said anything else it would sound stupid and petty and I want him to play with her. Honestly. I think it�s great. He needs it. And I like her. She�s just very cool and nice�did I mention that I hate myself for having these jealous thoughts? (No, I�m not jealous of her in regards to GB�that�s not the issue here) Anyway, I hung out in the bedroom for half the evening, working on my class presentation. Then I went over to JP�s house to help with his project. It was even hotter over there � no wonder his trees are sparking into flames. I didn�t stay over there long. He was distracted and cranky, I was hot and bitchy. Not a good combination. Plus his place is always such a mess it makes me claustrophobic. I mean I�m no neat freak, but even messy girls have their limits � But I digress� Where was I? Oh yes�so I went to bed in the most foul mood possible. After Guitar Girl left I practically ran to bed so that 1) I could avoid a fight with GB. A fight that I would inevitably pick because my mood was so bad and 2) So I could get some much needed sleep and wake up to a better day. And luckily, as tired as I was, I was able to fall asleep almost immediately despite the humidity that had settled in the bedroom. And I actually woke up feeling fairly refreshed. I actually woke up before the alarm and didn�t have that heavy brick-on-the-head feeling that weighs me down and makes me sleep until the last possible moment. So I got up and showered, which always feels great. Showers are one of God�s greatest inventions. I�m sorry but try as I might I�m just not much for lingering in bathtubs. I love the invigorating feel of a good hot or cold shower (depends on the season, this morning it was a cool one) � the water beating on my back, the sense of being soaked � washed clean and fresh�it�s like dancing in a water fountain � I wasn�t 100 percent in a better mood when I left this morning so I just quickly said goodbye to GB when it was time to go. I was nervous about my presentation. Today�s subject was culture and assimilation; I was supposed to speak on a Margaret Mead essay where she discussed an island wherein the people inhabiting that island experienced significant cultural changes that were in part due to exposure to American films. Those changes � regarding attitudes about the island�s women and gender roles � occurred over a 25-year period. I contrasted that with the 1999 Harvard study that showed changes in attitude about body image among Fiji girls after TV shows such as Beverly Hills 90210 were introduced into their culture. Reported cases of anorexia and bulimia tripled in a three year period � this in a culture that previously valued bigger bodies (which symbolized abundance and wealth)�anyway�I was nervous as hell but I enjoyed hearing the different perspectives from students. As I listened to this one girl who was born and raised in Bosnia discuss American media and its impact on Bosnian culture I thought, �yeah I really want to do this � to be in this environment where you never stop learning�. Today was my last class. Class actually ends next week and after V gets back from Europe in August we�re going to sit down and discuss next semester. I told her I�m still terrified but I really want to do it. She told me I was doing great and that my talk today was perfect and blah blah blah. She�s being very supportive and I appreciate it. It helped my mood even more. It gave me a better sense of self as I started the day. But, note to self: giving a talk on an empty stomach that�s been amped up by 20 ounces of iced coffee is not a smart idea. Eat before you talk or at least don�t mainline caffeine beforehand�getting the shakes is not very teacher-ly. OK�must get some more work done�more thoughts later� NP: some band called The Lovelies. They look like a cross between Sonic Youth, Luscious Jackson and Beck. And they sound like a new millenium garage-y Go-Gos� 1:49 p.m. - 2001-07-03
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money can't buy happiness but it does buy small pieces of of serenity - 15.07.12 - 4:29 pm sh)t's about to get real, y'all - 31.05.12 - 9:46 am why the hell not? - 29.04.12 - 8:38 pm Hear that lonesome whistle blow... - 02.04.12 - 5:18 pm a faith in something I can't see - 30.03.12 - 3:33 pm |
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