| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i feel like Elvis longing for his long-lost twin Friday, noon�just puttering along starting and finishing odd jobs around here. It�s feeling like a Friday, meaning it feels airy � weightless almost � and abstract. And people will start disappearing one by one sometime within the next two hours until this place is quiet as a church. So tension between GB & I mounts�the last two days have been inexplicably hard. It all peaked last night when we got into a �discussion� regarding our weekend plans. Basically our entire weekend is planned out, pretty much to the minute. But earlier this week GB had promised me that Sunday would be my day, our day. So, we�re talking last night about our Friday and Saturday night plans and he asks if I�ll go to the show with him Friday. Of course, I said, I already said I would. I know, he said, but I know you need some time to yourself as well. Well, that�s what Sunday�s for right? I said Wellllll, he said. Well. Seems he got an e-mail from a friend. It�s her birthday and they�re having a pool party on Sunday from 2-6 with some post-party plans thrown in as well. Anyway, to make a long story short I feel obligated to go this party if he goes and I know he wants to go because we haven�t seen these friends in awhile. And so there�s nothing I can do about it but it evolved into this �discussion� about the amount of time we spend together � just the two of us � that doesn�t involve sleeping. And frankly I�m frustrated to all hell because it isn�t very much time and it constantly feels as if we always have plans that involve other people and when we don�t it feels as if he�s doing it just to pacify me. It feels as if it�s not a concern for him but if he has to re-arrange his schedule now and then to fend off my complaints, well then OK he will � grudgingly. Now, I know I�m probably overreacting but it doesn�t help when he says things like �well I want to keep my friendships up. And I don�t? I do, but excuse me for thinking that one�s spouse should rate slightly higher than one�s friends. And I recognize that we�re both guilty of over-planning but it�s not going to get any better unless we get on the same page and make a commitment to spending more �quality time� together (stupid phrase, I know) and then actually doing it. That�s the part where we always fail. We�ve had this discussion numerous times (always due to my initiation) in the past year but nothing�s really changed. Or very little�s changed. I�m trying to be fair and reasonable. I�m not trying to cut into his social life or our social life or his personal time or my personal time. But doesn�t it even concern him? Ever? And so last night�s �discussion� ended in a temper tantrum and ugliness. And I feel as if we are sliding backwards which is so frustrating because before it felt as if we were at least taking tiny baby steps forward. And so there it is again � that feeling that part of us is missing. Part of me is missing. And maybe the thing to do is just say OK. Fine. If this is just me feeling this thing then perhaps I just move ahead and live my life and not think about that missing part and let�s see where it takes us. That thought makes me want to cry. NP: Grant Lee Phillips �Love�s a Mystery� from Mobilize 12:11 p.m. - 2001-08-17
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money can't buy happiness but it does buy small pieces of of serenity - 15.07.12 - 4:29 pm sh)t's about to get real, y'all - 31.05.12 - 9:46 am why the hell not? - 29.04.12 - 8:38 pm Hear that lonesome whistle blow... - 02.04.12 - 5:18 pm a faith in something I can't see - 30.03.12 - 3:33 pm |
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