| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I intentionally wrote it out to be an illegible mess Despite a relatively quiet evening of doing nothing but watch TV � Survivor and Tuesday�s taped episode of �Gilmore Girls� (that scene where Lorelei and her ex discuss her new guy�s CD collection had me crying with laughter) � and then reading, I still feel somewhat frayed today. Maybe it�s just the nature of Fridays � sinking into the last day of the work week, weighted down by five days� worth of burdens and pressures and not enough time. This weekend will be fairly busy. Tonight is the volunteer mission (raising money for a Sept. 11 fund at various nightclubs), tomorrow some housecleaning and then dinner at GB�s dad�s house. Sunday maybe a movie with my cousin and Angel Boy and then perhaps Angel Boy�s show. I guess it doesn�t sound like much on paper but in the back of my head a little whiny voice is saying what about me? When do we get to just sit around and do nothing?. You know I have come to the sad conclusion that I am lazy as hell. Or at least I want to be. Anyway, I�m doing whatever I can to ensure that next week is relatively commitment free because I have not written or practiced guitar in two weeks now and that is just not good. That and this web design class starts on Tuesday. The stress of this whole job thing (GB�s job) is really getting to me � even more so than I had realized at first. It�s giving me bad, weird dreams (last night I dreamt about my car bursting into flames � while I was in it), it�s creating little knots of anger in my chest � knots formed by that feeling of having no control, knots formed by that feeling of sometimes just wanting to shake GB and scream do this or do that or whatever it is I think he should be doing because it is what I would be doing. Yeah I know that�s not fair. But it�s how I�m feeling. I am, frankly, scared to death. Even though I keep telling GB that there�s no reason to be scared. This could be a great opportunity. Who knows what will come out of this. Your life could open up in so many ways . Maybe it is me who is really scared of change. Or at least scared when I feel as if I can only stand by and watch. When what I really want to do is direct. Ha ha, get it? Direct? God I can�t even amuse myself anymore. All I want to do is sleep or hole up in the bedroom with trashy magazines and quiet, dreamy music. I wish my head would stop pounding. (But self-pity aside, I agree with Kerry, Dan Rather is the �besterestest� � I�ve always had a huge crush on him. Since the days of the Persian Gulf Crisis. I don�t know what it is. He�s intellectual, gruffly cute and bad-ass as all hell.) Why does it feel as if the world is turning upside down and all around and nothing is the same and never will be again? Jesus is Mercury still in fucking retrograde? Everything is out of sync and my blood is pumping too fast and I�m constantly dizzy and tired. I find myself seeking out contact and then retreating into my shelter. the incredible freak girl lives 10:43 am - 10.19.01
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money can't buy happiness but it does buy small pieces of of serenity - 15.07.12 - 4:29 pm sh)t's about to get real, y'all - 31.05.12 - 9:46 am why the hell not? - 29.04.12 - 8:38 pm Hear that lonesome whistle blow... - 02.04.12 - 5:18 pm a faith in something I can't see - 30.03.12 - 3:33 pm |
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