| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- mean girls I should be working but I'm at home which means I can work and not work whenever I please. Well, not whenever I please in the sense that there are deadlines but also no one gives a fuck if I take a few minutes to self-obsess. It's one of the perks of being home office-bound. I do go into the office 2 days a week and that's really about hte perfect amount of human interaction I need. No more, could probably even get by with less. This weekend brought up a ton of anxieties for me. Well actually it mostly brought up one anxiety that just seems to weigh a ton. It's stupid really and I hate myself for even falling prey to it. It's high school - no, it's junior high and that makes me hate it even more. We were hanging out at RO's house, post birthday dinner, pre-birthday show. We were drinking, being silly. K0rtney made a comment about her hair being her best asset, how even on her worst days it's like, 'fuck it, I have great hair.' RO responded with " ... and lip! You have wonderful lips!" And while this is true - she has the most beautiful kewpie doll, rosebud lips, I felt like saying, 'bitch, please, K0rtney is beautiful and that's what we should be telling her." It's not a matter of "best" features, it's a matter of overall beauty. But I kept my mouth shut and maybe that's why karma bitchslapped me for my lack of feminist gumption. Because then it turned into one of those horrible girlfests (despite the presence of all our significant others) where you praise each other with comments that feel as though they're spiked with rose thorns ("You have such a great ass" and "your eyes are so pretty ... but" ...) and I still just kept my mouth shut and then P*loma suddenly turned to me and said this to me: "And you're wearing a really cute skirt." It was a cute skirt - wraparound denim with a swan applique. All I could say in return was, "oh thanks" but I think it may have come out sounding like "gee, thanks for nothing" because that's how it felt. Like I have nothing going on for me but this cute skirt. GB heard this and immediately came and sat next to me on the couch and after the girl party scattered he said, "That wasn't very nice but I don't think she meant it that way. I think you're beautiful." And I love him for that. I'm not beautiful - I know that - but I'm reasonably cute and it's taken me a lifetime to feel comfortable in my skin, to feel like I'm OK and it's more than a little hurtful that a friend would act that way but then again I didn't stick up for K0rt's overall beauty and I didn't stand against all the superficiality to begin with and so when I'm left to wrestle with my self-doubts and anxieties once again, well a little of me feels as though I deserve it. In other anxiety news, that night I dreamed I was 7 1/2 months pregnant - only I'd "forgotten" this and had been drinking and also suddenly realized my belly hadn't grown and we had nothing for the nursery and, what the fuck were we doing bringing a baby into the world like this? No, I'm not pregnant yet. No, we're not even officially "trying" yet and, yes, I guess I'm still more than a little terrified by the prospect. And on that cheery note, it's back to work for me. 12:48 pm - 20.07.09
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money can't buy happiness but it does buy small pieces of of serenity - 15.07.12 - 4:29 pm sh)t's about to get real, y'all - 31.05.12 - 9:46 am why the hell not? - 29.04.12 - 8:38 pm Hear that lonesome whistle blow... - 02.04.12 - 5:18 pm a faith in something I can't see - 30.03.12 - 3:33 pm |
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