| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- stars all around me what a week. i am glad that it is mostly over. home alone tonight. it is quiet here except for the CD I am spinning and the clickety-clack of my fingers on the keyboard. GB is out with Angel Boy and the Band. He understood when I said I needed to stay home...just for the sake of staying home. my mood has greatly improved since earlier this week. thank you to all who gave me encouragement and support. I truly, really and honestly appreciate it. I think it was, in part, fueled by being sick and PMS at the same time - though I hate to reduce the depth of my sorrows to viruses and hormonal imbalances...at the very least it didn't help me in regards to coping. I still feel like I am hovering on the brink of something. I still feel rather alone. But I don't feel as hopeless as I did before...my spirit feels much lighter, my head a bit clearer. Last night I had an interesting dream. I dreamt that Angel Boy was over but was getting ready to leave our house. He asked for my phone number - which of course was weird because my number is the same as GB's, obviously, so he already has it. But that's a dream for you...anyway, I kept trying to write it down but every attempt I made was disastrous...either my handwriting was too messy or the pen would leak or something else would make it unreadable. I must have tried 100 times. Finally I just said 'forget it....you won't call anyway'. And he turned to me and said 'I will...if you ever need consoling, I'm going to be there for you night and day'. And I knew exactly what he meant. If something ever happened to GB, he would be there for me like a member of my family. He truly is a brother to me - so much more than my own brothers are. The rest of the dream is mostly inconsequential though it made me laugh later -- I found these antique cards at a boutique (how did I get from my house to the boutique? no matter...) and decided to try and write my number on one, picking out this cream-colored card with an engraved drawing of a chimpanzee wearing a wedding dress. As I went to write on it, the boutique's owner came over, angry that I was touching the card. Anyway. I couldn't stop thinking of this dream when I woke up this morning. When I got to work there was an e-mail from Funny Girl, Angel Boy's ex. She sounded very upset in her e-mail and alluded to something AB had done to her recently. She asked if she could talk to me about it. You're the only one would understand -- you're the only one who would get it. She was afraid, however, of making me feel awkward or compromised because I'm friends with the both of them. She stressed that she didn't want me to talk about what I told her to anyone....not Angel Boy, not even GB. It's OK, I wrote her back. He's like a brother to me. I both adore him and want to smack him sometimes..... Then, this evening when I got home from work GB told me Angel Boy had called and had asked specifically to talk to me. A little weird...Damn I thought, he's caught wind that FG wants to talk and now he's going to ask me some questions or something equally awkward. What do I say?. After discussing it with GB (who knew I was going to meet with FG tomorrow and graciously accepted that I wouldn't share the subject matter - inherently knowing who we would be talking about), I rehearsed this whole speech in my head about how I could be friends to both of them and each one should feel comfortable and I wouldn't compromise anything and yadda yadda yadda. I felt nervous, slightly sick as I called him. And all he wanted to tell me was that FG had finally resent my poems to his e-mail account and he'd read them yesterday. I am amazed, he said by how good they are. I've read them both several times now. I was relieved and embarrassed and happy all at the same time. I thanked him and said yes, I'd love to work to putting them to music sometimes and thank you so much for your encouragement.... It's clear...sometimes I have to stop thinking so much...sometimes I just need to trust in the stars all around me... 9:44 pm - 01.25.02
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money can't buy happiness but it does buy small pieces of of serenity - 15.07.12 - 4:29 pm sh)t's about to get real, y'all - 31.05.12 - 9:46 am why the hell not? - 29.04.12 - 8:38 pm Hear that lonesome whistle blow... - 02.04.12 - 5:18 pm a faith in something I can't see - 30.03.12 - 3:33 pm |
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