| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I know there's some dispute between the things I've made and the things that I'm afraid of ... Why can�t I just focus at work? Grrr�well, at least I am feeling better today. I slept in this morning which really helped. OK, so I�m just going to let some thoughts spill out of my head and then I promise I won�t bother you anymore � at least for a while. Motherhood: Still thinking about this. A lot. A year and a half ago Da Bomb asked me about motherhood. She wanted to know how I felt about it � did I want kids? If so, when? She�s a year older than I am. She really wants a kid. Only her husband isn�t so sure and now they just bought the caf� and that�s like their baby. I haven�t talked to her about it recently, I�d like to. Just to see how she�s thinking now. And it�s really weird to think that my mother had me when she was 21 years old. 21 freaking years old. Oh my god. I can�t imagine it. I mean, I can but I thank my lucky stars that it didn�t happen that way. And here is why: when I was 21 I was with D. and I really really really wanted to have a child. I�m not exactly sure why. Maybe I thought it would help us out � bring us closer together. Maybe I thought it meant we would never split up. Maybe I wanted someone to take care of since I could hardly take care of myself (yeah I know, that doesn�t make sense, but as I seem to recall my 21-year-old brain rarely made sense � and please, no comments from the peanut gallery about how that doesn�t seem to have changed much in the 10 years since). So all I can say to God or my Higher Power or whatever is thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for not letting me have a child when I was just 21. And how did my mother do it? Well, I guess that�s part of my point here. She didn�t. It�s a long story but the idea is something like this: my mother couldn�t handle parenthood at the tender age of 21 and made some pretty big mistakes in her life and so I ended up in the care of another woman (along with my biological father � he married this other woman) and she was only 24 when she came into my life (I was four) and ended up having two kids which made her the mother of three by the time she was 30. That�s a year younger than I am now. Three kids. So it�s really strange to look at my life � my twenties � and to try and compare it to the life of either of my mothers. When I think about it. I don�t think I have any real solid role models when it comes to parenting. My adoptive mother is the closest I get. She really is a wonderful person but after divorcing my dad (another long story) she had to raise the three of us alone. And I do mean alone. My father virtually defines the term �absentee father�. What is my point here? Nothing I guess other than that motherhood scares me. And I already said that . But I�m still thinking about it�sorting out those thoughts�not that there�s any need to act on them anytime soon. And I think I�ve become a diary ring junkie. Not so much in joining them (I belong to quite a few, but nothing compared to some people), but in creating them. I just started a new one called Thinking Girls Union Local 123. Why? Why not? I liked the way it sounded. And it reminds me of the time Steven S told me (sophomore year in high school) that �you think too much�. I had such a crush on him (you would have too with those angel blue eyes and the dreamy, sleepy way he seemed to just glide through life) � the comment stung a little (because I know what he meant by saying it ��stop questioning everything, stop being so emotional �.�) But I also took some pride in it � I�d rather think too much than not at all. 1:58 p.m. - 2001-07-13
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money can't buy happiness but it does buy small pieces of of serenity - 15.07.12 - 4:29 pm sh)t's about to get real, y'all - 31.05.12 - 9:46 am why the hell not? - 29.04.12 - 8:38 pm Hear that lonesome whistle blow... - 02.04.12 - 5:18 pm a faith in something I can't see - 30.03.12 - 3:33 pm |
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