| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I didn't come here to be sad so migraine girl thinks something is amiss...that it doesn't add up. And I agree, it must seem confusing. One minute I am happy and the next minute I am not. That is, unfortunately, me in a nutshell. Moody as all hell. An emotional rollercoaster. It's not as bad as it used to be thanks to the Wellbutrin but it's still pretty frustrating to those closest to me, most notably my husband. Honestly though, I didnt realize I was being aloof though when I look back on the week I can see how he could think that - holing up in the bedroom every night and losing myself in my book. It's not aloofness though, it's simply a need for quiet and peace and something away from everything. And the irritability? Yes, I know it's been coming and going in waves despite my relative good mood...the only thing I can say about it is that this is all very emotionally exhausting and so even when my mood is OK those little things that are poking at my edges are more annoying than usual. That and I've just felt sick-ish all week. Achey and very tired. Which is either stress-related or simply making me more stressed...it doesn't really matter which, it's just a vicious circle. Anyway, I haven't been trying to save just the good stuff for this diary - quite the contrary, it's just that sometimes it takes me a while to realize the nuances of all my feelings. I can feel fairly happy and content only to eventually realize that something else is brewing beneath the surface and even then it may take a day or two to put a name on those less-than-pleasing emotions. So right now, I realize, I am feeling a bit worn around the edges and it's pushing me into moodiness and irritability and a need to retreat into myself... I know there are good things to be thankful for and thanks to everyone who has left me kind words in my guestbook. I'm trying to remain upbeat about the job opportunity - trying to calm GB's anxiety that because they didnt offer him a job right away doesn't mean anything bad...it's just not the way it usually happens. I'm trying to keep it together so that he has the luxury of freaking out. I'm trying to throw myself into my own job because 1) I appreciate more than ever that it is steady and well-paying and 2) it takes my mind off of other things for a while. I know the short-term result of that is that I am often tired but I don't think there are going to be negative long-term effects... there are other things that nag at my psyche as well...i think of whatgoeson's entry about women and friendship and it makes me sad because I've felt those things myself...often...I mean, I do have female friends - really good ones, it's not that I'm more comfortable with guys. Perhaps it's only that I'm uncomfortable with about 85 percent of humanity as a whole. That can make for some loneliness, let me tell you.... So yeah, that's been on my mind too...especially after Cupcake called last night and we lamented that the last time we saw each other was at my wedding 2 years and 3 months ago...I find that the older I get the harder it is to make real, meaningful and, most importantly lasting friendships...it's a legitimate issue for me, that lasting thing... but I didnt come here to be sad tonight..only to reflect and to say a farewell to George Harrison and to tell you about the beautiful moon I saw on the way home from W. tonight. A golden glow hiding behind a cloud..it looked like a lamp behind a curtain. Mysterious yet inviting and reassuring. 9:25 pm - 11.30.01
sounds: ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- previously on ... - next time on ...
money can't buy happiness but it does buy small pieces of of serenity - 15.07.12 - 4:29 pm sh)t's about to get real, y'all - 31.05.12 - 9:46 am why the hell not? - 29.04.12 - 8:38 pm Hear that lonesome whistle blow... - 02.04.12 - 5:18 pm a faith in something I can't see - 30.03.12 - 3:33 pm |
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