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revolution + desire

So after sitting through class overwhelmed with a dreadful feeling of self-loathing (instead of doing the in-class exercise I repeatedly scribbled things like ‘I hate myself, I hate this class, I hate you all. I suck. I do not belong here. I am an imposter. I have no talent…) I drove home listening to “Exile in Guyvi11e” at top volume and just asked myself repeatedly why?.

Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I feel so stuck? Why am I NOT writing?

Why am I NOT exercising?

Do I need the meds? Or, do I need to just be nicer to myself and treat my mind and body well – i.e. by exercising and making time in the day to do those things that are important (writing).

I don’t know…it’s the never-ending question since Day One (day one being the day I was diagnosed with depression – way back in 1994).

Anyway. This morning, after resetting the alarm twice I finally dragged my ass out of bed and went for a really brisk, heart-pumping walk (don’t laugh – I don’t pump my arms like a ‘power walker’ – but it’s still a good workout).

It was a lovely, crisp spring morning and when I got home I felt wonderful. Less achy. Less grumpy.

Tomorrow I’m getting up early to write. And yoga in the afternoon.

I see it this way: I can either keep complaining or I can do something.

I’m very tired of the former so I’ll try the latter.

10:45 am - 03.06.03

sounds: Pretty Girl$ Make GraveS
words: 100 Years of So1itude
i am: getting off my ass

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previously on ... - next time on ...

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