-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the woefully short of it

There are so many words I want to write but I don't have the energy for most of them. The long and woefully short of it is that three weeks ago my mother was rushed to the ER and we learned the cancer had spread to her intestines. In just the course of a month.

That changed everything.

We have stopped treatment. She is in an enhanced nursing facility receiving hospice care. Her room here is like a little studio apartment. Aside from the hospital bed it has her couch and some chairs and some of her beloved artwork.

For a while she seemed OK, better even. Today, though, she is having a lot of pain and they are giving her morphine on the hour. It could be a few weeks. Maybe longer, maybe less.

I am spending the night. Right now I'm on the couch and the TV is showing some HGTV makeover show with the sound off. She is sleeping and I'm listening to her breathe. I want to be here for her if she wakes up because the morphine makes her disoriented--confused, sometimes a little upset.

All of this and my cousin's husband--he is only 51--is in liver failure. Years of exposure to toxic chemicals while he was in the Air Force. After years of treatment there is nothing else they can do. He is at home, getting morphine and sleeping a lot.

C's grandmother died a week ago. She was 92 but he was very close to her and it still hurts a lot.

Finally, my cousin S's husband asked for a divorce last week. Via fucking text message. I never liked him but my heart breaks for her.

Everything is just fucking awful right now.

10:17 pm - 01.04.19

sounds:
words:
i am:

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previously on ... - next time on ...

Goodbye, I love you. I love you, goodbye. - 19.05.19 - 3:40 pm

incredible lightness of being - 27.04.19 - 7:13 pm

weeks probably, maybe a month - 19.04.19 - 1:49 pm

not a moment too soon - 13.04.19 - 11:04 am

on grief, hairdryers and dinner plates - 07.04.19 - 3:33 pm