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why don't you shake your tail for peace and love?

Much like Mrs. Roboto I had had some reservations about posting today. I know that in some circles itís much cooler to act as if none of this has affected you or that, at the very least, you are basically over it.

But Iím not over it and Iím not going to pretend that Iím over it and if you donít give a flying fuck that Iím not over it then please just go read something else already.

That said - well, I donít really know what to say that isnít trite so I thought Iíd just look back at a year ago today and what was going on both before, during and after Sept. 11 2001 came and went.

Before: That Sunday before it all happened, K. and I went house-hunting - looking for a new place for her. It was fun - and the day was nice, kind of fall-like with a light breeze - but we were both a little discouraged by how expensive houses are getting in our area. She was particularly worried because she thought she was going to have to be out of the place she was renting within a few months and didnít know what she was going to. Through some hard work and borrowed money she ended up buying the place she was living in. Later that day GB and I got into a fight. About what? I canít remember. I know we made up before bed time but ended up in another fight on Monday. Again I canít remember what we fought about. I just remember that he slept on the couch and I didnít say a word to him when I left the house that Tuesday morning at about 8 a.m.. After I got in the car, turned on NPR and realized what was going on I immediately called him on my cell phone. He didnít pick up and I left him a message to turn on CNN. I went to the Co-Op and got some coffee. Actually at this point I had just heard about the one plane hitting the one tower. I thought it was an accident. Inside the Co-op everybody looked dazed. After I got my coffee and got back in the car and turned on the radio again I heard the rest of the news. I picked up my cell phone and called GB again. This time he picked up - he was awake and had the TV on. We talked for a few minutes. There wasnít a need to apologize for the night before or anything - it was just understood that that was stupid and over with.

During: The day itself went by in this weird slow-motion blur. Like it all happened very fast yet at the same time I could see every millisecond as if it had been slowed down for the purpose of studying. We had every TV on in the building here at work. And most of us were glued to the Internet as if it were our lifeblood. I guess, in a way, it was. The strangest - yet most comforting thing in a way - was having to still work. Itís the nature of the business I guess and it definitely helped to have a purpose. I also felt better after e-mailing a few friends in New York and hearing back that they were OK.

That night we went to dinner with Angel Boy and then afterwards went to the Cafť where they had cancelled the usual open mike night. Instead they had turned on the big screen TV so we got our drinks and sat at tables and watched TV and just talked to people.

Later that evening I was almost afraid to go to sleep - not afraid of what might happen to me in my sleep but just afraid of the dreams I might have. Oddly enough when I woke up I couldnít remember anything that had crossed through my mind during those sleeping hours.

After: The next week or so was really rough. I was crying every other second and yet at the same time I was really disturbed by the new swell of ďpatriotismĒ that was really nothing more than glorified bullying and machismo. I wanted to grieve, I didnít want to think about ďrevengeĒ. In October, stressed out about everything from work to thinking about grad school applications to keeping up with the day-to-day progress of a post-Sept. 11 world I finally had myself a Mariah Carey of sorts - a nice series of panic attacks that resulted in a week off from work and promises to the spouse to try and refocus, breath and relax.

Now: I am still heartbroken by the losses suffered by Sept. 11. I am still outraged with the way the current administration has dealt with it. I am still disappointed with many of my fellow human beings whoíve chosen to use the occurrence as foundation for their own personal hatreds, false prides and basic stupidity.

As for me...Have I changed? Honestly I donít know - I donít think Iíve undergone any major changes. Or, maybe all the differences can be found in the tiniest of things.

I will say this - though I know I've said it before. GB and I fight much less these days compared to how much we fought a year ago today. In fact we get along better than ever - even better than when we first met and were still in that silly-giddy stage of love.

I don't know exactly what to attribute that to - is it Sept. 11? Is it because he was unemployed for so long? Is it just the result of months and months of therapy?

I don't know exactly but I'm not complaining and I'm happy that tonight we'll be together over a quiet dinner.

I've already avoided most attempts at "commemorating" the event - even though my work offered us all the opportunity to take time off to attend memorial services.

l'll probably avoid the TV tonight but I might read the New York Times that showed up on my doorstep. Maybe I'll drink a glass of wine, light a candle and put on a relaxing album by which to sleep.

I wish I had something wonderfully profound to say right now but it's not like I've ever been that way before so whom am i to think that I'm going to suddenly get deep, witty and uber-spiritual now?

so I'll just leave you with the line from a song that's been looping through my head all day....

"these times are troubled
these times are rough
there's more to come but you can't keep up
why don't you shake a tail for peace and love?"

"Step Aside" / Sleater-Kinney

5:42 pm - 09.11.02

sounds: Sleater-Kinney: One Beat
words: nothing
i am: musing

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previously on ... - next time on ...

money can't buy happiness but it does buy small pieces of of serenity - 15.07.12 - 4:29 pm

sh)t's about to get real, y'all - 31.05.12 - 9:46 am

why the hell not? - 29.04.12 - 8:38 pm

Hear that lonesome whistle blow... - 02.04.12 - 5:18 pm

a faith in something I can't see - 30.03.12 - 3:33 pm

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